Feeling guilty

Dear Michele,

There is so much in your post that is positive, not only the support provided by your eldest son, which sounds exemplary, but also your delight and justified pride at how well your sons have developed. I suspect that their independence isn't the only part of their upbringing that they value. I'm well aware that for someone living with cancer, it is often our nearest and dearest that suffer more than we sometimes know, but their suffering is so often because they care for us, and may feel helpless and unable to do anything that could help, whether the reason for that is because they aren't close enough, or just as likely, because they  simply don't know what they can do. 

One word that you mention several times is 'burden'. I think that for someone who has raised a family and therefore has been the principle care giver for so long, it can be difficult having to rely on others and none of us want to be a burden on our loved ones. But I wonder if you have spoken any of your sons about how they feel. I wonder if your eldest son has spoken to his brothers about how he feels about what he is doing or about how they might be able to help. Perhaps more frequent contact may help, be it, over the phone, a video call, or even the occasional letter - very old  fashioned I know, but with  a lot of potential to do good as it takes time to think about what to say and how to say it.

So many things are both different and difficult right now, but finding out what local resources or organisations exist to help, could be time well spent. If we are fortunate, our nearest and dearest are so often the key components in our support network and I suspect that caring is a word that your sons would prefer to describe you rather than burden and that being able to return some of the care that you have given to them would help everyone.

Have a little more trust in your parenting skills, they have served you and your sons well so far.

Thank you for your helpful response, Gentydog. It is much appreciated. There is a lot for me to ponder ,  a different perspective to where I was coming from, which has been comforting. Thank you. 

Michele xx

Hi Mem50

When I was a teenager, many years ago, I cared for my mum who had cancer.  I did so out of complete love and compassion for my mum which I found to be as natural as breathing, never a burden.

Take care

X

Ourgirlinthenorth, thank you for your kind response to my posting. You must have had such a tough time and at such an early age too. What a blessing you must have been for your mum. Big Hugs from me.

Michele xx

Thank you Michele, so lovely of you to say. Sending big Hugs your way too.

X