Chemo cloud of gloom!!!

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Hi, I’ve thought long and hard before posting on here, but I think I need to if only to offload, so please scroll past.

This chemo cloud of doom and gloom is doing my head in! It seems to have settled permanently overhead and won’t shift. I’m normally quite an upbeat and positive person but now I just want to cry and pull the duvet over my head - of course I don’t, nor do I let on about how I feel. I’m the one who has to have it all together, I haven’t cried once since my diagnosis, I’ve been too busy downplaying things so as not to upset people which means people don’t really know how to act if I show a chink or 2 or 3, I have tried, hubby just said it’ll go away and others avoided me for a while! Everyone has more than enough to worry about without me adding to them.

I have no support, no cancer nurse etc. I rang the gp yesterday and he said he would get in touch with the local hospice to see what they offer, but I’m not terminally ill and I don’t want to take resources away from those who really need them. Then he told me to keep going - thanks! I’ve also spoke to a nurse on another helpline who really was lovely, and I did feel better once I’d spoke to her but still no answers as to how to make these feelings go away.

I did think it was the steroids, as in they make me hungry so I eat - put weight on- feel bad! Plus once the hyperactivity stops it’s a real slump. So I don’t take them unless it’s pre chemo and then not the full dose, the eating, hyperactivity and not sleeping has stopped and I’ve had no nausea or inflammation at all, my bloods are better than they were before chemo so I know it’s nothing physical, just me going a bit mental I think.

But this cloud is taking all the joy and light away, all the positivity I had, all my plans etc. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or do about it.

Turned into a longer post than I thought, just ignore me!

buttercup01 over 5 years ago

Hi Ruthie2, well, as you see I did read your post

U might try reposting it in the Chemotherapy group to get a response from others who have had chemo. I've not as it doesn't affect my cancer.

I'm so sorry you're under the cloud of gloom n doom n do hope someone in that group can shed a ray of sunshine on your situation.

Hugs x

Btw you don't need to b terminally ill to use the hospice services.I regularly go to a social drop in and exercise group at my local day hospice. It also offers counselling sessions

Fear of the unknown is the worst thing. Once we know what we're facing, we find the strength to deal with it.

ruthie2 over 5 years ago in reply to buttercup01

Thanks so much buttercup01 I do appreciate you taking the time to reply. I’ve done as you suggested and put in the chemo section, I find once I know the whys and wherefore I can cope better, so fingers crossed

thanks againx

greg777 over 5 years ago in reply to ruthie2

Hi Ruthie,

Really sorry to read about what you are going through at the moment. Is it ok if I ask what you mean by feelings of gloom and doom? It is entirely possible that it is not connected to chemo and is your brain trying to process everything that you are going through. That is definitely not unexpected, a cancer diagnosis brings about lots of challenges, and sometimes the mental ones are the hardest.

Greg

Jojodot over 5 years ago

Hi Ruthie2,

Just reading around site and came across your post. What’s happened Ruthie !

You are always upbeat in your outlook so hoping you are feeling better about things now. You have been so strong throughout your treatment and you are the one that is so good at giving others support - including me !

It’s ok to feel down and miserable dealing with this horrible disease and treatment and others say it’s good to have a cry about what’s happening. Maybe you are trying to be too strong and it’s hit you hard. You have been so busy keeping up with normal things when actually what your body is going through is not normal !

I have just spent the weekend with my son. His parting shot was - mum of course you will cope with the treatment - my first EC is on Wednesday. Like you I will feel obliged to be strong but then again !!! I too will find it hard to give in to how I feel but sometimes I guess we have to.

I remember you are off on holiday so make sure you have a holiday. Don’t take too much on. Get them to spoil you for a change and try to share the way you feel with the family.

Take care and hope you can enjoy your break. Take your grandson a walk and tell him how you feel. He can’t answer back and hopefully will cheer you up with a wonderful cheeky smile.

Love Jojodot.

ruthie2 over 5 years ago in reply to Jojodot

All I can say is thank you all so much, I’ve read and reread your replies many times and I realise now that it’s not just me! I really got myself all worked up to the extent where I was seriously considering stopping all treatment using the logic that we’ve got to die sometime, I may as well get on with it- which is what I meant by doom and gloom. It’s not even as if I’ve had any major physical side effect- just psychologically I was falling apart. Like many of you said I was trying to be soo strong. I’d set myself up to be the positive one the who would sail through this and I just couldn’t keep It up - I’d failed at this as I’d failed as other things.

Anyway I am now half way through a family holiday which I was dreading as I’m usually the chief cook and bottlewasher, childminder and dog walker as well as entertainment officer. I’ve done almost nothing. Everyone else has just got on with things and I can’t really believe it. Seeing 4 grown up sons doing a full cooked breakfast for all us girls parents and grandparents was truly hysterically funny!!!! It did taste good too!

Hubby has had a word and they simply didn’t know what to do for the best so they let me carry on as normal, now they know they can talk to me about the cancer and the treatment and how they can help us all. It has truly humbled me that they felt like that/this. I suppose I felt as if I had to be strong for them, and forgot that they all really wanted to be there for me and be strong for me instead!

I’m going to chat with the chemo nurse next time I see her anyway, tell her how I felt and feel, I’m sure the cloud will come back as they do. Anyway I’ve waffled on long enough, thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. From the bottom of my heart- thanks xxxxxxx

Jojodot over 5 years ago in reply to ruthie2

I am so happy to read your latest post. I was worried about you.

I have three grown up children and like you and probably like your sons they are unsure of how to deal with this illness. I think they are so used to me being strong and capable and like you organising everything when together they assume I will sail through this treatment. I think I would be worried about the thought of having to do everything as usual on a family holiday!!! Cos I would think that’s what I should be able to do but after reading your story and the others on the August chemotherapy chat I realise I can’t. Its rather fun to be made aware that your children are all grown up cooking cleaning and organising.

So how lovely to read that the family are supporting you and you are letting them spoil you. Am sure mine will be the same once treatment gets going.

So thank you Ruthie for supporting me at the waiting game. I had my first treatment today and sitting here at home waiting on side effects !!! Strange feeling.

So take care and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Rest easy and get your feet up.

Love Jojodot

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