Mixed emotions

FormerMember over 5 years ago

2 replies
12 subscribers
3051 views

Not sure where to start but have so many mixed emotions at the moment. I’m out of the other side of everything, two operations and 30 radiotherapy sessions later. It’s been 8 weeks since my last radiotherapy session and I still find it hard to deal with from time to time and still struggling with side effects of the radiotherapy (losing my sense of taste has been a real challenge!). 5 days after my last radiotherapy session I became a father to my first child and it has been difficult trying to be a good dad and supportive husband while recovering and dealing with everything emotionally.

What also doesn’t help is that I had to have two operations because none of the cancer was removed in the first operation. I had to have further scans and a biopsy to confirm that it had been left behind in its entirety, so am now trying to find out what happened. If the cancer was removed the first time then I would be so much further in my recovery and would be able to enjoy these first precious weeks of fatherhood so much more.

I’m sorry if it feels like I’m moaning. I’m grateful to be here and to be able to see my son grow up. He is a joy and was a big focus to help me get through everything. But I feel angry at what I have had to go through due to what appears to be a clinical mistake and still struggle to deal with everything related to my cancer. I feel like a broken person and my self esteem is really low at the moment with the results of the operation being so visible on my face and it being a constant reminder whenever I look in the mirror.

Just feel like I need to get this off my chest and share with people who have been through similar...

greg777 over 5 years ago

Hi Khanage,

Welcome to the forum, although I’m really sorry to read about what you’re going through.

I have no experience of your specific cancer and I imagine it must be really tough to have the reminders of what you have been through on your face, so I am really feeling for you. I have some experience of emotional issues post-treatment and I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in that respect. I would say 8 weeks is still quite soon after treatment - it is normally only after treatment that patients begin to struggle emotionally and it can take a long time to process what has happened to you and what it means for your future life. Throw on top of that a new baby, and you must be feeling very emotionally drained, so please don’t be hard on yourself, try to allow yourself as much time as you can for yourself to work through these emotions. At your stage, I oscillated quite wildly between intense anger, then glorious elation, the desperate misery of life, then the absolute wonder of it. I would say it took me a couple of years before things started to flatten themselves out again.

If things get really bad, have you ever considered counseling? It’s not a silver bullet but those people are so skilled in understanding how the brain works and giving someone time and a safe space to work things through for themselves.

I hope this helps.

Greg

buttercup01 over 5 years ago in reply to greg777

Hello Khanage,

First of all, congratulations to you n your partner on the birth of your son.

I can well imagine how full of mixed emotions u r, having finally finished your radiotherapy.

Many moons ago, I missed celebrating my silver wedding anniversary n my parents' golden anniversary because my op was 2 days after the latter n we didn't know quite when it'd b, so couldn't celebrate the former either.

But here I still am, aiming to celebrate my ruby anniversary next year.

As Greg says, it can take a while - with all the ups n downs that entails.

U might want to consider adding a bit to your profile then someone can suggest which group u could join, to connect with others similarly affected

Also,if u don't fancy the idea of counselling, the helpline here can listen or if you have a Maggie's centre close by I've heard good things of them too.

Be your own best friend n take it a day at a time. Trite, but so true.

Fear of the unknown is the worst thing. Once we know what we're facing, we find the strength to deal with it.

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