Loss of confidence and panic following basal cell cancer

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Thank you for letting me join this group. I just wanted to share that I'm struggling a bit.

The middle of April I had a 28mm infiltrative carcinoma removed from the tip of my nose (MOHS) and replaced with a skin graft taken from my clavicle. They say the cancer had been there for 18-24 months, but they think they've got all of it out. It's healing really well. Although it's still not looking great, it's already very much better than it was and they say it will continue to improve for another 6 or so months. It's definitely already livable with.

The issue now is that I seem to have hit an inner emotional block about work. I have lost all confidence and feel I just can't do it anymore.

I'm a social worker in an hospice. It's the best job I've ever had, with a great client group and colleagues and my managers could not have been more supportive! It is demanding and even before the op I had been getting tired - getting through the week and recovering at the weekends. I'm sure many of you will recognize that pattern! I had wished I could retire (I'm 63) but really it was fine, and I would have kept going for the remaining 2.5 years until retirement, if I hadn't had the cancer.

As it is, that seems to have toppled me over an edge. After being off work for two months to allow for the wound heal, I am now back at work, but I feel I just can't face it anymore. When I think about taking on the role of social worker again it's like hitting an internal brick wall. I've handed in my notice with all the financial implications of that (income, pension, benefits, etc.). I'm working out my notice just doing admin things. I've registered with an agency to do support worker shift work at a very much lower salary, but less responsibility which I hope will be better.

Rationally (having talked with my accountant, thanks to some income from Airbnb lettings) I think I'll be okay, though I may end up working more hours than the four days I do now, because of the lower salary. But I keep hitting up against a kind of panic. Some days are better than others, but much of the time I'm holding onto a ball of terror in my stomach, which wells up and I start crying when people ask me how I am. I feel like the ground is disappearing under my feet and I'm falling apart. Some mornings I wake up early and can't get back to sleep, worrying about how I will manage financially, and what would happen if I got cancer again without the right to sick pay, etc. I feel I have lost my sense of security and firm foundations.

I am generally a reasonably confident person, and I feel I shouldn't feel this way, because my cancer is such a 'good' one - lots of people have it, almost definitely it doesn't spread and I don't have to have radio- or chemotherapy. I feel I should be happy to have got through this and ready to get stuck in again at work ...

I have arranged for some counselling which will start later this months, but I wanted to ask - have any of you had this experience? How did you deal with it?

Sending much love to you all! :-)

src60 over 4 years ago

Hi Ilona and welcome to the community though so sorry to hear about the impact this cancer has had on you. I know some social workers and it can be a very emotionaally draining role and I have seen a number leave much younger than you even without having gone through cancer.

In terms of emotions we recognize that no cancer is a good cancer and you might like to read life after cancer treatment.

Glad you have gone for the counselling, talking really can help as they say a trouble shared is a trouble halved.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thinking Positive over 3 years ago

Hi Llona,

I just read your post. I had similar surgery for melanoma November 2018. The first year was the worse as far as body image goes, but my acceptance got better. I hope it going better for you too by now. And now that I wear a mask when going out, sometimes I don't even bother with concealer!

Cindy

Melanoma Stage 4

Ilona over 3 years ago in reply to Thinking Positive

Hi Thinking Positive,

Thank you for replying to my post. Thankfully I caught it as it had gone into my spam filter!

I'm sorry to hear about your Melanoma. I hope all has continued to go well with you. I know - masks have that benefit, don't they.

Things have changed a lot for me - I did start to feel better (and my nose healed well), but I still left the job. I went travelling for a couple of months, and after that went back to work at the hospice as a healthcare assistant. That was end January '20, and of course Covid struck in March. I have worked through the pandemic (half time), some of the time in the in-patient unit, and most of the time helping to run a virtual day therapy programme for patients and carers. I will be 65 in February, so am thinking about retiring a year early and moving back to Brighton.

Emotionally I've gone through a lot of initial ups and downs, but leaving work Sept '19 was a good move, I think. The travelling also really helped to get a sense of spaciousness back. You can definitely see I've had surgery on my nose, and the skin of the graft is different from the rest of the skin on my nose, but it does look a lot better than it did originally.

I had another biopsy for a bit of my nose that looked suspicious the end of last year (going privately, as the NHS was too caught up with Covid). This turned out to be okay, but I now have a place that they think is solar keratosis on the edge of the skin graft, which is considered pre-cancerous, so they are talking of creams which sound horrendous (blistering, redness, irritation of the skin, etc.). I'm not sure what to do (creams of have this cut out as well, or even just another biopsy), but am waiting for a talk with the consultant.

Thanks again for your support, and wishing you the very best for this new (and already turbulent) year!

Ilona x

Ilona over 3 years ago in reply to src60

Hi src60,

I'm so sorry I never got back to you! I only just saw your message when I got the message below from Thinking Positive. Their message went into my spam filter, and I think yours must have done as well.

Thank you for your reassuring and affirming words. To give you a bit of an update -

My nose has healed well (though you can still see I've had surgery, and the skin of the graft is different from that of the rest of my nose) and emotionally I started to feel a lot better, especially once I had left work and done a couple of month's travelling. After that I went back to work at the hospice as a healthcare assistant. That was end January '20. I worked through the pandemic (half time), some of the time in the in-patient unit, and most of the time helping to run a virtual day therapy programme for patients and carers.

I will be 65 in February, so am thinking about retiring a year early and moving back to Brighton.

Thanks again for your kind message of support, and wishing you the very best for 2021!

Ilona x

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