Family and difficult relationships

Addendum - we've never had an easy relationship, so this sorta thing hasn't suddenly appeared out of the blue. However, I was beginning to maintain a fairly good relahionship before the cancer. I want to get back to that and let go of this resentment. 

Wow, Ive got a really similar thing...  Ive been hunting down 'forgiveness' websites to try and work out how to deal with all the anger Im feeling as Im sure thats the last thing I need right now...  Ive got my 3rd big dose tomorrow of Chemo and then one final one to go before I start the 'weekly' ones. And I'll have 12 of those ... And then the radiation and fingers crossed all done then.

Ive never had a 'fantastic' relationship with my Mum either but Im just so amazed at how she's dealt with it. My Mum and Dad are out partying, off on holiday and when they do speak to me I can hardly get a word in between them telling me what a fantastic time they're having?  I dont want them to be miserable .. but some sort of 'compassion' at 'any level' would be so welcome when you're feeling so terrified...

If they even have a 'head ache' Im supposed to be running round there and being 'supportive' ... and yet it so has 'not been reciprocated'... She told me yesterday 'to just laugh about it all' ... Right... when I cant stop crying thats a bit tricky... !!  lol

I sent a text to them both and said 'what an inspiration they have been' as now I dont have to be afraid if anything happens to them as they have been an example of how to carry on and live your life regardless..... My Mum answered .... 'Not at all ... as we need you' ... ??!!

So Im juggling all the anxiety that comes with this situation - plus wanting to 'cut my parents out of my life' .... !!! Im 46 ... so Im trying to be adult about it... But crikey it is so painful...

Is there anywhere you can go to talk about these feelings?  I dont even think a counsellor would know this stuff unless they had physically been through this situation themselves...

Would be really grateful to hear anyone's advice and thank you so much Eliop for making me 'not feel crazy' thinking like this... 

I'm glad to hear from you. It's nice to see I'm not the only one - it can feel that way.

I have my SO - he's been very supportive and patient. Otherwise I don't really talk too much about this issue - I don't really know how to approach it and - yes - I'm not sure counsellors are comfortable with this stuff. I do feel like I could do with one, though...but the waiting lists for counsellors are fairly lengthy, and I'm not sure I can fork out for a private one. However, perhaps private is something I should consider because I can't see how I can get out of this rut.

My mum has suffered from depression throughout her life. It's significantly affected our relationship - and I didn't deal with it well as a teenager. Things improved in my late twenties but cancer seems to have opened up old wounds. She has a habit of offering things she can't deliver on - e.g., visiting me. She never visited me throughout my treatments. She offered a holiday after the treatment - but has subsequently bailed. It's all totally fine. I could understand not visiting...but it's the fact she offered to. It raises hopes. 

I feel angry. But I also feel very despondent and let down by her. She refuses to engage with this - she'll never really focus on the specifics of the problem. She tends to blame the depression. Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for her depression.  Perhaps I am. A daughter having cancer can not be an easy thing to process. 

urhg.

GucciBailey! Thank you for sharing. I hope things get better for you.All-in-all I counted approx 5 months of treatment ahead of you. Is that right? I hope you are getting ready for the onslaught. Who do you have to support you? I am hear if you need to rant xx

Hello again,  I've just direct messaged you as I couldnt work out how to get back to this post to see if there was a response! lol  I only joined today as realised I cant do this alone..

Thanks for your response - it so resonates with me again... Somehow your major life challenge becomes about 'them' again? 

I think the fact that we've given the feelings some 'air' is going to help us!

And also very true about the cancer bringing up the 'old wounds' ... same for me again...

Im thinking of hunting someone down online that does work with people with buried feelings that they dont know they have and helping you to release them ... I cant even talk to my mum on the phone now as it knocks me off balance for a good few days after and I cant risk it.  So Im down to 'hey how are you - yes fine' on whatsapp...

Just one thing that stood out on your post ... You are definitely not to blame for the depression... you are so so brave having gone through what you've just been through, your mum's challenge is the depression ... she will find a way to get through that as you have with the Cancer...

Thanks for giving me the confidence to come on here ... and yep, 5 months to go ... I've got my dog, my horse (these two have been amazing) and my boyfriend, who has also been brilliant ... But I am so grateful to have your kindness and offer of the 'rant' ... Wish me luck for tomorrow ... Session 3 ... And likewise, just give me a shout if you need to let off steam re your family, better out than in... ;) xxx