Need to Rant

  • 30 replies
  • 50 subscribers
  • 5349 views

Harsh I know, but it's been another bad day.  Since he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, his personality has completely changed. It's as if he's got through the shock, the anger, the 'why me' part and is on to. 'Well, as I'm going to die, I might as well behave as badly as possible - what are they going to do about it?'

If anyone disgarees with his opinion on anything, or any decision he makes whic affects the rest of us, we are all stupid, making inance remarks, or simply don't understand the issue. About anything, from what we eat, where we go on holiday, to what the politicians say on the TV. This is wearing the family down, especially me as I bear the brunt of it and have been making excuses for him - until now, that is. I know I don't have cancer, but I was in hospital for two weeks in April with Covid and on a ventilator for four days, but that's not cancer is it, so it's all forgotten now and not to be referred to as he's not interested. Fortunately I have recovered well, but it wasn't a nice experience and I did have flashbacks for a while afterwards. I've been told he was a mess when I was on the ventilator, but you wouldn't know it now.

I could go on, but I won't bore you. I just needed to get it out.

  • Hi Sallypond welcome to the forum and sorry to hear how trying things are for you, that sounds pretty grim. 

    It does sound like he has had a change of personality and a  change of how he maybe responds to others feelings and that must be very hard for you all. You have your own health issues by the sounds of things and what has happened for you is as terrifying I can imagine than any cancer diagnosis. Can you walk away when this is happening  or just listen to what is being said? Can you leave the room and sit by yourself, is that available for you just to get you head cleared and give you some breathing  space. It sounds pretty grim for you and Im thinking of different ways that you can get some space or even take yourself out for a walk .

    You are equally as important here as hubby so give yourself some TLC as well and Im sure other carers will come up with some ideas about how you might do that. In the meantime Im sure some huge big hugs for you wouldnt go amiss so sending some your way. xxxxxx 

    gail

     
    Community Champion Badge

  • Thank you GRANNY59, it helped to just get it all out instead of throwing my dolly out of the pram and compunding the situation. I have to find a way to live with it.. He has a lot of pain to deal with which he copes with stoically and with humour, but his 'my way or the highway' stance is particularly hurtful because he was never like that.  He's still the man I married in so many ways but he's making whatever time he has left more difficult. I don't want to just remember the hurt, but the good times too.

  • Hi Sallypond  - I get it! My husband was diagnosed with a glioblastoma at the start of September. Even with treatment, he's been given 12-15 months. The tumour impacted his speech and language centre, his eyesight has been compromised and his understanding of information is iffy. I get he's frustrated and scared but he too is taking it out on his nearest and dearest and this week in particular has said some pretty horrible things to me. Biting your tongue and not mouthing off back is beyond hard so I feel your frustration too.  Hang in there. x

    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

  • Hi Wee me & Sally pond my husband hasn't got a terminal prognosis although the cancer is in 3 places,  he's on his 4th cycle tomorrow of chemo. But as you say mine is def taking it out on me & the kids. I feel he needs to hide his honesty & frankness a little from the kids he is scaring them & they don't like to see him gag etc

    As GRANNY59 says I have to walk away to another room & busy myself. It hurts so much, after all you do for them. No one else is caring for them. He can be on the phone laughing & joking with a mutual friend then come off & be grumpy again it is so draining. 

    Sorry my rant over with too. Stay strong ladies, its good to have the release here. 

    Xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Sallypond, I’m so sorry to hear that.  I know even the drugs can cause a personality change.  I also heard that people who have lost control of one part of their life (like with a terminal diagnosis) end up compensating by being super controlling on everything else and it sounds like that may be happening with your husband.  A life coach once gave me a tip for when people say nasty things.  She said to try to mentally step out of the situation and think “huh, isn’t that interesting how they’re behaving?” rather than feeling part of the situation and personally attacked.  It helped me, I don’t know if it will be useful to you with your husband.  I also don’t think that helps if he is making decisions detrimental to the family, so that will be something you need to manage in another way.  Meanwhile, you need to get yourself as healthy as possible and get the care you need.  He clearly will not be able to offer that right now but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.  You will also be devastated by his diagnosis and while he may feel your sadness is secondary to his, it is very real and you need support.  I’m sending a virtual hug your way.

  • Hello there

    I just wondered how things were? I have just looked at your posting. I have a partner who is the same and today he is howling in pain. Everyone trying to help him of course and the nurse getting some pain relief. Still he is shouting at me the carer. He is in a wheelchair but isn't paralysed just after an op on his leg. Frustrated and angry at the world. Yes I have my limits too and nearly there . Usually ok I walk away but it is pulling me down which isn't good.

    Good luck and for all those as carers out there that are exhausted! Just off to have a glass of wine!

    Fifinet 
    As Voltaire, the French writer said " I am going to be happy because it is good for my health "
  • Thanks everyone for your support - it really does help to hear others are experiencing the same things and it's all part of the disease progression. I feel entirely alone and persecuted at times but your experiences showed me that's not true.  Wifey2 's comment 'He can be on the phone laughing & joking with a mutual friend then come off & be grumpy again it is so draining.'  is so true and hurtful - Why aren't I deserving of a kind word - I'm the one who has been here for forty years!

    His oncologist will ask how he is and instead of listing the distressing symptoms we are both coping with - emphasis on 'both' He says, 'I'm managing well and not too many problems.' Like his rolling around on the floor in agony the night before never happened!  These days I interrut with, 'what about.....' which is when it is addressed.  Then afterwards he demands to know why I said that. As if he feels weak admiting pain to a virtual stranger.

    The worst part is knowing we haven't begun the downward spiral yet, when I know life is going to be so much worse. Ii's coming - and my chest is tight thinking about it.

    Thanks again - It's good to know you are out there to listen - Sally

  • Oh yes the phone calls to the oncologist are exactly the same with us!  I am always intersecting! 

    Keep strong everyone xxx

  • oh Sallypond - the phone calls! I hear you. Charm itself and chat chat chat to the friends and former work colleagues ... and then the "real" world kicks in the minute you open your mouth. Hang in there. x

    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

  • All virtual hugs welcome  Juppy and thank you for your support. You are right in that his personalty has changed and not for the better. Anger, disbelief, fear I can hanle but this inate nastiness to the family - which disappears with friends and relatives [funny that] is hard to take.