Tired of feeling alone

Omg this is exactly how I feel! As I read your post I thought I could gave written it. I am doing my best but it never seems good enough. I feel like I am living in a dream. My partner sleeps or watches tv. Doesn't talk to me, won't eat anything and now is frightened to take pain meds for fear if being sick.  I don't know how long this will go on for and what to do to help him. Glad to have stumbled onto thus site 

Love and hugs back x

Hi Lucy Rose, 

I feel like a bit of a fraud. I've been on this site for over a year but have only just started posting. Thank you for having the courage to reply to my mainly anger fuelled post!

Don't we always measure our performance by what we haven't done rather than what we have? Always our own harshest critic.

And the uncertainty is crippling, I often feel as though my life no longer belongs to me.

I sometimes try to talk to people about how I feel but I feel as though I'm judged as being selfish. (probably more by myself than anyone else.....)

I offer no apology, only an explanation....

I talk about how I feel because thinking about how this is for him is more than I can bear and something I can only do in private.

I am just angry enough at the moment to not care about judgements. (also nearly angry enough to drive straight through the hospital car park barrier when the delightful man on the intercom refused to leme out because my ticket wasn't working ) 

You're not alone in that dream you feel you're living in and while there's nothing practical I can do to help I'm learning just how helpful this forum can be.

Thanking you again and wishing you strength, self-compassion and whatever else you need to get you through, 

Much love, 

T

Hi again T

I fully understand your anger and i also share your feeling s of uncertainty. It seems like we are going through the same thing. For me it is the second time. I was widowed 12 years ago and was lucky enough to get a second chance only to have this cruelly taken away and yes i am ANGRY and like you i can't beat to think of what it must be like for him, struggling day in and day out to keep his eyes open, trying so hard to stay alive when he knows he probably only had weeks left. Sorry i don't think we are wrong to feel angry for ourselves and for those we love. I must try to sleep so will say goodnight and please know you are not alone.

Much love xx

I

I too am facing loss for the second time. My husband died aged41 seventeen years ago. Now my partner has pancreatic cancer. I feel I cant cry, that I just accept that life is shit, compounded by all the things I see on TV and in the oncologists waiting room. When my husband died I had 4 children to carry on for. Now they are grown and I wonder what the point of me will be if I loose him. 

Hey needing friends,

Now they are grown and I wonder what the point of me will be if I loose him. 

Just this one line resonated so intensely with me and made me so sad for you.

About a year ago, I was feeling deeply depressed. My wifes cancer was progressing and we were advised that our range of future options was contracting rapidly. My greatest fear, other than my wife dying, was of my future. If I have given so much of myself to this fight, how much of "me" was there going to be left at the end?

How will I handle the loneliness, the finances, the everything? Will anyone notice me after Marg has passed? Was my worth only defined by my wifes cancer? Who will there be if I need care? Who will there be if I need comfort?

For several weeks, I was in what can only be termed a funk. Moody, miserable, irritable and not a bunch of fun to be around. It was bad and getting worse.

What turned it around was a simple call from my youngest grandson. Normally, we have one of the 4 grandkids have a sleepover every Friday night. One Thursday night, I got a call from Darcy who asked if I could have a sleepover at his place on Friday instead of him coming to our place. I reminded him that I had to stay at home to look after Nanny and Darcy said that his dad (my eldest son) was going to stay with Nanny, and he thought I needed a real rest and could sleep in his bed and keep him warm. He and the other 3 kidlets had been getting worried about me and had it all organized

I doubt I have ever felt so loved and so needed in my life.

Someone noticed and someone cared.

That simple act of loving kindness was all I needed to realize that I truly had a value that extended beyond cancer and doctors and medication and appointments and the rest of the shite that goes with this horrible disease.

Allowing cancer to depress you is like arguing with an idiot. It'll drag you down to it's level and then beat you with experience.

Don't let it beat both of you.

Find some joy in your life.

Please.

Hello, 

Sorry to hear your story, it's the pits isn't it? I thought my husband and I would grow old together and when he died i thought I could never face it again and now, hear I am again. My partner has suffered so much for 3 years and it will be a blessing when he finally leaves me, he will suffer no more but I am in a state of panic right now thinking I just won't cope. I have so many well meaning friends but their lives will continue just like before and mine will stand still. I want to shut them all out already which is really not fair to them. My only joy at the moment is my wonderful grandchildren, one of whom spends a lot of time with me and we talk of things we can do in the future. She is my one bright spot. I think this forum is a good place to express your true feelings. You can't hurt your best friends!

Thank you for replying yo my post and look after yourself. 

Love and hugs xx

LR

That is just a lovely story and sends very positive vibes. I remember when my husband died 12 years ago my grandson was only 5, but he stayed with me every weekend and the true innocence of a child shone through.  Did I think he could do the jobs that grandad did? He didn't think he was tall enough yet? He could learn to drive the car, we could go on holiday together, and so on. Now facing this again my 14 yr old granddaughter is the same.  I just enjoyed a 2 day break with her while my friend looked after my partner. What an amazing time   there will be no more for a while but the memories will see me through and I know she is there for me. I think there will be a life after cancer but as you get older it gets harder and lonlier.

Thanks for listening

Xx

Hi lucyrose

sounds very much like my day. Gutted for everyone x 

Hi Lucyrose,

Thank you both for your reply and your understanding. I cannot even begin to imagine going through this twice. Cruel does feel like the right word, my heart aches for you. 

I hope you got a good night's sleep and will repeat your words back to you,

You are not alone, 

T

Hi Needing friends, 

What a lovely response from Panic, there's little I can add to that. I just wanted to let you know I've heard your words and will be thinking of you,

Love and hugs,

T