Mum has been stable for a while now but the last month has seen a significant deterioration in her condition which has been bloody horrible for her and very distressing for me as her carer. So why the witter alert you ask, well.......
We've had weeks of Mum vomiting, not being able to keep much down, mucus that was/is difficult for her to get rid of (i'm convinced we could have cemented bricks together with it, sorry dark humour is rife in our house) and a chest infection on top of lung cancer and COPD. Just witnessing her trying to breathe has been distressing enough.
So we've had a couple of doctor call outs, i've been bounced between doctors surgery and pharmacy getting meds that exist and meds that seem to have evaporated on a presricption sheet between the two (buildings are ajoined - go figure?) running around trying to find a nice meat pie that Mum fancies because the steroids she's taking have decided that's what she wants and getting soaked through to skin in the process of buying these (are we sure it's not March or October out there?). Along with these i've tried to get money out of an ATM with an expired card, another ATM won't let me top Mum's mobile and spits that card out at me and i finally get an hour to go to the hairdresser and she's forgotten about the appointment - aaarrrggghhhhh!!!!!
So after a lovely young lady from our local hospice come yesterday to review Mum's condition and what else she needs to help her symptoms i just seem to crash. Felt freezing cold, fell alseep only to be woken by a hungry husband telling me how late it was. So i end up eating poorly which just really doesn't help (and as carers we all know that one don't we). Oh and did i mention that i am still trying to work and have an hours drive each way? So today i still have meds for Mum to track down and just couldn't face that and work. So i'm at home this morning (and still working but electronically if you know what i mean) and one of Mum's lady carers bounces in the door and says very loudly ' what's fanny mo doing here today?' which obviously refers to me.
Well meltdown begins with anger - why am i being referred to to in such a derogatory manner in my own home; then anger turns to i need to go and say i'm not happy with being refered to like that; then i think never say anything in anger as it has a way of biting you in the bum at some point; then i think don't say anything in front of Mum because i don't want to upset her (it's one of her favourite carers); then my thoughts are just let it go so i start crying to let the anger/hurt/insult out so meltdown begins. So now i have a big red nose, blotchy face and a stonking headache. I feel like i want to be Alice in Wonderland and fall down a rabbit hole and escape to a different reality. So at this moment i feel completely unloved, unappreciated, disrespected and a shirker and my lovely folk out there on this forum, i turned to you as i didn't feel i could say this to anyone else but i know you would:
a) forgive my witter;
b) probably be going through the same yourself
c) undertsand completely
d) forgive my angry thoughts.
P.S. Mum is doing a bit better than a couple of weeks ago and meds are helping to relieve some of her horrible symptoms and further things are in the pipeline, just in case you wondered. I'm still deciding whether to act (rather than react) on the carers throwaway remark but it does still rankle:(
Love and hugs to all carers and their loved ones xx
