I’m not coping right now

Hi Teatowel , 

I’m Emma, a member of the team here at Macmillan’s Online Community.

I’m really sorry to read of what you are going through. It sounds like such a difficult time, especially as you mention it going on for years and the wider family not offering much support.

I just wanted to offer a few support options in case they are helpful.

Firstly, our Macmillan Support Line is there if you ever want to talk things through with someone over the phone and may be a good option as they can signpost you to more relevant support in your area. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00 for advice, emotional support or even just a listening ear.

You also mention having to pay for the carers who are coming in. We have an Ask an Expert section where you can get information and support from our experienced professionals on financial support. You can contact the Information and Support Advisors here and they should respond within 1 day.

Secondly, supporting a loved one with cancer can be isolating and there is no right or wrong way to deal with his cancer experience - our booklet Cancer and Relationships discusses this in more detail.

As caring can have such a big impact on ones mental health, I’d encourage you to talk to your GP about how you are feeling. They are there to help you with your mental health alongside your husband’s cancer and, as you mention having to juggle all the tasks at home, they may be able to refer you to further support, such as Adult Social Care if that feels appropriate.

In the UK you can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7), or NHS 111 if you feel you are in a mental health crisis.

I’m really sorry to read of what you are going through and I hope that one of these support options can help you today.

Take care,

I've just read you're bio as I was unsure what was wrong medically with you're husband...

You say that the carers do the personal care through the day and you take over at night,is there any way that maybe once a week,or once a month that a carer can do things over night so you get a break and a rest.Of you're paying for care maybe every now and then he could go into respite even if it's just for a weekend...or is that just something that neither one of you would want to happen.

Hi Teatowel

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Having had and been lucky enough to survive cancer, but also having MS, and now being care  gives for my 85 year old husband  who has stage 4 cancer, I can see the difficulties on both sides. My husband was my rock when it seemed likely  wouldn't make it but when we received news that I was in remission, he had a total breakdown, got rolling drunk, cried a lot over things he had seen during war service in the US army and became as clinging as a toddler. 

That passed more than a decade ago but for two months it was almost as anxiety producing for me as the cancer had been. It is only now that he is the one with cancer and I need to support him more than usual - he is also autistic and has PTSD -I realise how he felt while doing his best to run our smallholding, cook, clean and care for me physically and emotionally.I

Not one person asked me how I was doing. Our GP surgery recieved letters from the oncology department as his cancer spread called to increase his normal medication and casually asked if he was in any pain. I should have told him that I was only just coping with my work load and  the anxiety over booking transport , the vast cost of taxis for  the over 80mile roundtrip when no cars were available from the non-emergency hospital transport and the M&S was flaring so badly I couldn't get upstairs to bed. But I didnt.  I worried about getting the, "at your age and with your disability " speech that had ended in my then 99 year old Mum being almost forcibly taken into care, so I kept quiet.

It was only when a young nurse setting up the drip stand for B's treatment looked at me and said I looked tired and would I like a cup of tea, or to leave him for an hour and go and sit in the hospital garden that things got too much. I'm not a crier, but I said a needed,the loo and rushed off to snivel in there. She followed me and was wonderful. She talked to me about me, not as B's carer but as the me everyone had forgotten, using her break to be there with and for me.

Within a week, my GP, his practice nurse and a Macmillan nurse were in touch, helpful, kind and reassuring. His treatment had happened between 3 different hospitals and a total of four different departments, as well as our GP's surgery and each thought one of the others would have been supporting me too.

It really wasn't any one of them that caused the problem for me as a worn out carer. If only I'd spoken to them,  they would have pointed me in the right direction .So do tell someone about your feelings and exhaustion. Call the Macmillan help line or speak to your doctor.

Then I emailed a friend I hadn't been in touch with for a year or two and we now call each other for mind clearing moan sessions followed by a good laugh about our school days. I had assumed she, like our neighbours here, would not know what to say so would not want to talk to me at all.

So do reach out to someone who can help with advice and perhaps a friend you haven't wanted to burden with talking about your feelings until now.

Family isn't always the best option. My brother just said "o I hope he gets better. Got to go, my breakfast is getting cold," when I rang to say B was having cancer surgery. As a vicar and relative, his cold shouldering probably coloured my view of people's indifference!) Sometimes McMillan nurses are the best option because they know most about the problems of care givers and the ways in which cancer sufferers sometimes treat those closest to them badly wen fearful or distressed themselves.

Will be thinking of you and hoping things get better for you

As the carer

Hi Teatowel. I can empathise a little bit with your situation. I have been supporting my partner who has incurable cancer for two years, and through a year of treatment and operations before that. I have found it incredibly tiring and have had to learn some immediate coping mechanisms. Breathing meditation has helped me a bit even though I was the world's biggest sceptic beforehand. 

I have also had to find a bit of happiness or relief in the smallest things just to keep going. It's not quite the same as you because my partner has been amazing throughout. 

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job supporting your husband and it it is worth reminding yourself of that as often as possible! 

Very best to you both.