Hello,
My Mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in 2015 and has had a few reoccurrences since. She's has many operations and treatments in the last 10 or so years and has pulled through so well for so long, but we've come to a point now where she is in end of life care.
It came as a bit of a shock because she was admitted to hospital when I took her up for a check in with her oncologist, and she hasn't been home since. It's been a month now, and we had a conversation with palliative care yesterday and made the decision that she would be transferred to the hospice. The hospice has a lot of perks in that it's not as far from home as the hospital is, 24hr visiting times, I can sleepover if I like, and she can be rolled out into the gardens if she likes.
What I'm guilty about though, is that between us we initially discussed that she'd pass away at home. I would become her carer, with support from district nurses. But after talking about it more recently, I've felt more and more like I'm not strong enough to care for her at home. I'm 27, with anxiety and OCD disorders and believe I would often find myself doubting myself and not believing I'm doing things 'right' (and I think Mum started to see this too). As well as this, the palliative team mentioned that if something were to happen that I couldn't handle, it could take an hour for a nurse to come over - this worried both me and Mum when this was mentioned.
I feel like I've let my Mum down by not looking after her at home. Her best friend was in the meeting too, and said that it would probably be more comfortable and easier for both me and my Mum and would allow us more time to spend 'normal time' together rather than me caring for her - and I agree with this. I just can't shake this feeling that I'm weak and I've let her down. I wanted her to have whatever would make her most comfortable and I wanted to push aside any issues I might have and adapt to whatever she needs, but realistically I think she might see me struggle and it would just make her feel worse.
Is this a common feeling? Am I making the right decision? It would be nice if anyone has been/is in a similar position.
