my husband has recently been diagnosed with cancer

Hi pernod

Dont feel bad, how you feel is how you feel, you dont need to apologise. Its ok to have these thoughts.

. You will be in a certain amount of shock, concerned about the future, the surgery, what ifs, even if you are not conscious of it.

Hopefully he will have some sort of post surgery physio or OT which will encourage him to slowly rebuild his strength. It could be a long recovery, but just sitting on the sofa wont help him recover.

It might help you to connect with a carer group in your area, you can find these either online or via your local council or Macmillan if there is one in your area. This would help you get peer support so you dont feel so alone. You can also ask for a carer assessment if you think it will help you.

Do continue to chat here, you can speak freely without judgement and of course you can call Macmillan too.

Hi Malengwa

thank you for your kind email.  i really dont know what to do.  my husband is a week after the stoma being fitted and does nothing, i understand it is difficult but he needs to do something other than sit in the garden smoking or slumped on the sofa watching tv.  i feel trapped, i need some space but if i go to another room he accuses me of avoiding him.  i have been quiet and he asked me has he done something wrong and i am very quiet.  i said that i had nothing to say and he responded well thats good isnt it do u want to split up.  he then stormed of saying that he is supposed to be recouping and relaxing not worrying about us. the fact of the matter is that our marriage was very rocky prior to this and there was an element of resentment from me due to the way he had treated me in the past, i cannot just change and switch this all of.  he keeps implying the cancer may be terminal, but they have said it is not.he has his mum and dad, bro and s in l to talk to as well as mates at work, i have no one and just feel like packing up and going.  i say to him that i have no one to talk to and he shouts'NOT MY FAULT'.  we fell out with my grown children some time ago due to his temper and have not spoken since.  i dont know what to do and even when i feel like crying i cant.  i feel so  guilty of my feelings but they do not change.

That sounds like a really difficult situation and it sounds like his behaviour isn’t helping. Do you have a friend you can talk to? Is there a chance of reconnecting with your children, but without your husband being involved? It sounds like he is recovering okay, so maybe you could get out a bit, sometimes being away from a situation gives you a bit of perspective on it. If you both want to go ahead together, could you try couples counselling, once he’s had a bit more time to recover? Remember, you matter, your feelings matter. I hope you get some support and find a way to navigate through all the problems. Hugs.