Relationship breakdown

Hello snappyeileen,

My name is Dylan, and I work in the Online Community here at Macmillan. Our team oversees the Community to help keep it safe and supportive for everyone.

Thank you for taking the time to share some of what you’re going through in this forum. I’m so sorry to hear how difficult your situation has been with your husband recently, and that he attacked you twice today.  No one should have to experience harm or feel unsafe in their own home. I’m really glad you were able to get yourself somewhere safe last night. 

I wanted to leave a quick reply here to let you know that we have emailed you with further support and information. Our team's email address is community@macmillan.org.uk.

• If you ever feel in immediate danger, please contact 999. (If you can’t speak, you can press 55 after dialling 999 to indicate a silent emergency).
• If you feel unsafe or are at risk of further harm, please reach out to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (open 24/7). 

Take care and please feel free to reply to our email with any questions you might have. 

Thank you Dylan, getting out of the house was the best thing I could have done. My son was angry and contacted my husband and I think it made him take note of what he was doing. He seemed genuinely sorry today and apologised for hurting my arm. This is something he has not acknowledged before. His doctor also contacted me and gave me the news that he is taking my husband off the steroids , cutting back to once a month rather than weekly. He has been very pleased with his progress , hopefully this will not slow his recovery down too much. Thank you for your advise , it was very reassuming, I am glad that my actions were the correct ones to make. , 

Hi snappyeileen 

Thank you for replying to me and sharing some of the news.

How are you doing today?

I am glad your son is around to support you when you need it. It's positive to hear that your husband apologised for causing harm and that his doctor is reviewing and adjusting the amount of steroids.

It is a pleasure. Please make use of  the support available when ever you need it. Macmillan and the Online Community are here for you and your family during this very challenging time.    

Take care

Thank you, 

hopefully his doctor will sort him out, he hasn’t been good this week, constantly tired during the day and not sleeping at night. 

Hi Snappyeileen, 

I hope you are having a better time of things today. I completely get where you are. My husband has always been very demanding and he would say protective of me. I feel it as being controlling. I have learned to deal with it over the years but since his cancer diagnosis he has become more demanding and selfish. It feels as though his desire to be waited on hand and foot has come to fruition. He has the perfect opportunity to exploit my kindness and tolerance for it is worth. Last night he got me up at 1am with a blocked catheter. Not of his making, but after waiting three hours for medical help to arrive and settling him down it was gone 5am before I got to bed. I had to get up at 7.30am to unlock the door so the carers could get in and then get my husband his breakfast. I wanted to cancel the morning call from the carers so I could sleep on a bit. My husband wouldn’t hear of it. He wanted to get up. Get dressed and sit in his power chair while I made breakfast, walked the dog, cleaned the house, made the drinks, gave him snacks and so on. In between I have to empty his catheter and deal with bowel movements. It seems that instead of what I would have thought to be the case….experiencing adverse situations makes one more considerate and compassionate to others…it seems to have exaggerated my husband’s self-centred attitude towards me. Just needed to let all this out and let you know you are not on your own, my husband’s family take the view that if I can’t cope I will have to pay for live in care…! ! 

I really feel for you, I am not having to do half of what you are doing. Perhaps I am selfish, I don’t know but I’ve always been independent, I’m losing a lot of my sight and still trying to keep as much ‘of me’ as possible, I use Ubers, trying not to rely on my husband for reading, writing , driving etc. So I feel that he should do what he can , when he’s feeling ok. I think steroids are causing most of his problems , hopefully this problem will be eased when he next visits the consultant, I honestly hope your situation will ease , I am starting to think that cancer patients  should have counselling , from what I’ve read I’m certainly not on my own with this aggression and over dominance with my partner , lots of women are experiencing this living hell. I always wondered why people (many who had gone through cancer) kept asking me , if I was alright ? I  wondered why they weren’t asking about my husband ….Now I know