I just need somewhere to pour it all out.
My mum(65) was diagnosed with an inop terminal brain tumor 2 years ago, given a short course of radiotherapy but her medical team opted not to give her any chemo. Surgery to place a shunt cost her the use of her speech and dominant side.
Over the 2 years my sibling and I have taken it week-about to care for her as she slowly lost her mobility after falls.
Things were looking stable until last week when after some bloody stool we got told she has a large mass on her colon, mets to her abdomen and possibly spine, and no further treatment would be done. She was discharged home with a load of palliative meds and im left looking after her more.
She can't speak much, doesnt eat much, she is in pain, she can't tell me how badly, the tumor leaves her constipated.
She wakes me up all through the night, sometimes every hour or two thinking she needs the toilet, or has slouched in bed and can't adjust herself, or is sore.
Its run me absolutely ragged. Her GP thinks she maybe only has a month or so, if even that. Im so sad all the time thinking about it.
I get so angry when she can't communicate her needs, or when she constantly wakes me up, or when she can't sit up on the bed to transfer on the steady.
And I know its not her fault, I tell myself all the time she can't control her body, the cancer is destroying her body and control. And I feel so incredibly guilty when it happens.
I just want her to be happy and comfortable in her final times with us but I can't control my temper with her sometimes.
How do I cope?
There are carers that come 5x a day but they can sometimes leave a lot to be desired.
With such short time on the clock it seems callous and wasteful to send her off to a home to die alone in an unfamiliar surrounding and I just can't do that to her.
I lost my father suddenly last year too and barely had time to grieve between caring for mum and returning to work full time.
My work have been so accommodating with it all and I worry that goodwill will dry up eventually.
Mums needs are so great that I can barely leave her alone except to pick up meds each week. So except a few days I get at home when my sibling takes over, I never have time for myself. At home on those days I end up just doing all my laundry from staying here, or sleeping and catching up on rest. One day I basically only woke up, had some food, and then slept for 12+ hours.
I feel so empty and drained, but I tell myself its important to be selfless for the helpless. Mum can't survive on her own.
This is probably so scattered and unhinged but I just need to put it all out.
I'm going to miss her so much, even though I've known the end is coming for so long.
Its all been so much.
