Changes in your relationship with a partner diagnosed with cancer

Hi, I just want to say I understand completely, I'm in a similar situation although my husband is quite well. I wish I could give you a hug but know you're doing the best you can, we're all navigating a very difficult journey

Hi Andrew1964 welcome to the forum..I know from.first hand experience that being a Carer is one of the hardest things anyone ever has to do..It often goes unnoticed, taken for granted that a spouse does that and no one ever asks us "is this OK with you"..It sounds awful for you right now but you have come to the right place to that, to offload and to share with others who know exactly how you are feeling..Talking to someone may be of benefit so you know that's available for you so why not give the Macmillan Line a call and have a chat with someone there? They are there for everyone not just the person with Cancer. 08088080000. Keep in touch and make those dog walks longer to give you more me time.sending some huge big hugs your way for now. Gail x

I’m also struggling as a carer for my husband.  My life is not my own.  My days revolve around looking after him, taking care of his meds, making sure he eats.  I’m scared to leave him for too long in case something happens.  We’ve been through a great deal of trauma and emergency trips to the hospital in the last couple of years . He has mets in his brain, lungs, kidneys & bones. The worst one is the brain It’s affected his cognitive as well as communication skills He can barely make a sentence as he can’t verbalise what he’s thinking so spends his days in silence. He’s confused a lot of the time partly caused by the brain tumour and swelling around it, and also partly due to the ongoing chemo treatments which have been punishing, so he has a lot of brain fog.  He’s also in a lot of pain from the tumours.

His whole personality has changed.  He used to be so strong, outgoing and full of life, with a great sense of humour.  Now he can barely do anything.  Everything is a struggle.  I hate what he’s become.  Gone is the big, strong man I married.  Cancer has seen to that.  In his place is a weak, frail shadow who spends his days struggling to cope with life.  He no longer socialises coz he can’t talk, is no longer active coz he’s too frail.  He’s depressed and isolated as a result.  Our world has shrunk into a repetitive routine of Groundhog Day.  I’m so sad and so angry that cancer has robbed us of a future together.   And all I can do is watch my husband slowly dying.  I am in utter turmoil.  

I'm totally with you all in this thread. I'm watchingmy husband deteriorate bit by bit. He can still get about and has some independence but bit by bit, I'm doing more and him less. Its heartbreakng, like a nightmare I want to wake up from.

There is no more treatment, so its just managing symptoms and giving the best quality possible. We try to make the best of the better days, to get out if we can, but these are getting fewer and shorter.  Our world has shrunk too.

Its good to have a place to feel less alone, to know others get it. 

I have been where you are for what feels like an eternity . My husband has terminal lung cancer and it's in the brain and liver.  No more treatment just managed symptoms.  Today has been hard as the syringe driver went  in but now he's not  in any pain or agitated because of the confusion.  I found it so difficult as the brain mets took him from me. I found he would find faults in every single thing I said or done . At first it hurt so much and I would spend so much time alone in a different room crying because he was never like that.  Do you have any family and friends that can help so as you can have you time,  it helped me just to get away from the house and full time caring.  Here has helped me to know I am not the only one who feels like this. On one of our many arguments Bryan once told me that planning his funeral and making his will was the last bit of power he had left. Made me feel bad for getting upset having to talk about it but I was able to understand a bit better why he went on about it so much . Sending hugs 

I so understand what all of you are feeling. Yes, there are days when my husband is short-tempered and gets cross for no reason. He feels the chemo takes away his short-term memory and he struggles with food and nausea as well. He usually forgets how grumpy he has been very quickly. 

But it is really trying to be patient and to keep my temper! 

Hi all, I am new to this forum. I totally understand and want to send virtual hugs to all. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in June and has a primary in pancreas and mets in liver. He is on a regime of two weeks on chemotherapy and then two weeks off. I am a kind person but he has tested me on so many occasions with his raging and cruel words. The last week has been particularly difficult as he has had a chest infection and this has got him down. He won't speak to anyone about his feelings. I know people are trying to be kind by saying they will say a prayer for him but nobody understands unless you are in that situation. I try to keep busy by looking after grandchildren , volunteering, going to gym classes and seeing friends. Thanks for allowing me to share.

Hi sorry to here what your experiencing  apart from the assumed roles you've probably until now expected its a complete nightmare when you end up sole carer,,i my self gave up loved job 8 weeks before due to retire to, it seems become farm labourer sole carer nurse nanny cleaner therapist housekeeper . and like yourself the resentment is unimaginable until you on the receiving end..i have been told by st Barnabas nurses sadly this is how someone's rage at the cancer itself and what its slowly taking away from them manifests. Saying that until partner mine an maybe yours gets to the point where sadly they not aware. Don't think it will get easier..i try to walk away and as yourself take my two dogs out..(There legs getting shorter)  and come home not quite so stressed blubbing that only seems to make him angrier.. did say at one point I'm allowed to be upset by all this as well at which point reply was well I'm the one with cancer as you said it can come across as I'm in pain you should feel guilty when it is heart breaking to see someone you care about deteriate so rapidly an personality completely change..I wish you the strength to get through which im sure will be exhausting heart breaking raging completely draining time. Probably not much consolation but you really not alone, thinking of you..it maybe helps me find the strength im definitely going to need.

When my husband first got diagnosed I carried on working..I went in in the mornings & took the afternoons off as leave to fit in with visiting times. When he was discharged I immediately got signed off on the sick as I was so stressed as I became a nurse straightaway..I was trained how to set up his food pump & all the palaver that goes with it.. Putting all his meds through the feeding tube. Timing the lansoprazole  so it wouldn't affect his ph levels. The 1st weekend he was home I was on the phone to Abbots trying to get advice.. it was do stressful.I was petrified of getting something wrong. then we had  district nurses coming in to do his syringe driver. I hardly ever went out incase he needed me.Our relationship changed drastically as he was withdrawing from me. Whereas before he became ill we were always hugging,kissing & holding hands he couldn't bear me to touch him. If I tried to hold his hand he would pull it away. The only time He would let me hold his hand was to help him to the toilet. I was no longer his wife, I just became his nurse/carer/ spokesperson. I still kept telling himI loved him & always blew him a kiss as I left the hospital.

He died last week just 48 hrs after entering our local hospice.3 months after being diagnosed.

Detty, so sorry to hear this. My husband also died, but 7 weeks ago now. There are a few of us supporting each other over on the bereaved spouse and partner forum.

The shift from wife( or husband) to carer is awful isnt it, your relationship changes out of all recognition but we love them whilst watching them deteriorate, and they love us despite what they are going through and expressing.

Virtual hugs coming your way