Caring for your mum

Hi lapis_lady, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're so young - my eldest granddaughter is the same age and the thought of her having to do what you're doing is heart breaking.

Your A levels are coming up very soon (I'm a retired teacher) and they're very important. Do your teachers know what's happening in your life? They need to and I'm sure will do their best to support.

I've been supporting and caring for my daughter through her cancer treatment for two years. I know just how tough it is. You sound to be doing a wonderful job  but you need to look after yourself too. 

Is there a Maggie's Cancer Centre near you? They're great for carers as well at patients. Do investigate if there are any Young Carers groups in your area, meeting people doing the same as you would be supportive.

Wishing you and your mum the very best. Hugs  xxx

Hi Lapis_lady

Firstly welcome to this forum- so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It must be so tough to juggle care giving and your studies- I’m sure others will have good suggestions but I am sending you a virtual hug! 

it sounds like you have some great friends, which is a huge help.

if you need to talk, the Macmillan team could be good to talk things through with? And this group are here for you too, if you need to express things to people who are also supporting a loved one through their struggle with cancer. 

You will have heard this before but do try to make a little space for yourself. It probably sounds like too much at this point! 

Thinking of you x

Hi,

I’ve read your post this evening and it has resonated - I completely understand how you feel. For a bit of background, i’m 26 & my mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer almost 10 years ago. She got the all clear after a short bought treatment & surgery. However 3 years later it came back with vengeance. Modern medicine is magnificent and brought her back to good health on maintenance drugs. All that said, I do too struggle still, especially with getting the balance and not looking after myself.

Something you cant see at the moment is that you’re doing amazing for your mum and although she’s still sad about the situation, i’m sure she appreciates everything you’re doing and the extra sacrifices you’re making for your family. One piece of advice I was given was “Capitalise on the good times” and that’s been really powerful for me, hopefully for you too.

With regards to your A-levels, I definitely agree with the Cherry2, to please please make a teacher who you trust at school aware.

We & macmillan are always here. Sending you hugs xx

Hi Cherry, thank you so much for the response, and I wish you and your daughter the very best

My teachers are fully aware of whats going on, and are being extremely helpful. My firmed uni choice is also aware and have given me special considerations in terms of my results, so all in all it should be okay. 

I‘ve never heard of that centre, I’ll have to look into it. I would definitely appreciate a group like that if I had the opportunity.

Lots of love to you both x

Thank you! I appreciate the reply

I don’t really know whats available through Macmillian for me to be honest, I just found this forum through curiosity as I used the Sue Ryder one a few months back and found it very helpful. I know theyve been incredibly supportive for my mum though. I also briefly talked about therapy with my mum so waiting for an update on that.

It does infact all feel like too much at the moment haha, I’m just trying to block out everything so I can focus my attention on the most important things at the moment, which probably isn’t the best idea but it’s all I can manage at the moment. I have a good support system with my friends and teachers at college though so it isn’t all too bad. 

Wishing you all the best x

Thank you for reply, and I’m so glad your mum has made a recovery, I hope you can get back to some sort of normality too though

I really appreciate what you have to say. There are definitely hard moments, where she has nowhere to direct her frustration towards her situation except at me I don’t begrudge her for it, and I know she doesn’t mean it. But we focus on the positives! As you say, capitalise on the good times, and she’s been so thankful for everything I’ve taken over for her. Her acknowledgement and also all of you guys has honestly been all I could ask for, seems abit self centered but truly recognition for how hard it is at the moment is unbelievably appreciated from everyone. Although of course I‘d do it either way - I love my mum so much. 

My teachers are aware and they’re incredible, I’m very lucky to have the teachers I do. There are supports put in place to help with exams so there isn’t too much stress at the moment. 

Wishing you and your mother all the best for the future! x

Hi, 

I relate to this so much!!! I didn’t realise there was someone who felt the same as me. My mum has stage 3  bowel cancer. We’ve never dealt with it in the direct family before so it’s been so unknown and I never know if what I’m doing is right.

I’m 21 and live at home. Despite being slightly independent I still rely on my mum (I live with her). I definitely relate to the pressures of having no to pick up the slack more and not wanting to tell your mum how you feel. Also the things she is experiencing (same as you with the feeling rubbish about herself) I’m upset she’s going through that. It’s just me and her in the house and we feel each others pains more than other children and parents would. But because she’s the one with cancer I don’t want to make a deal about anything bad about it as I’m not the one with cancer - especially when she’s in a good mood.
The only thing I can compare it to is grief. When I lost my mums mum I felt like I couldn’t tell my mum I missed her as she would get upset.

sorry that was a lot lol - and I’m very dyslexic . But I’m glad im not the only one feeling like this.

Oh my goodness hi, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! It’s also really nice to know there are other people out there so I’m not going through this alone. My name is also Izzy to actually which is wild

Hi lovely,

I am so so sorry to hear how isolated and I’m sure completely exhausted and stressed you are!

i am brand new to this community too and reading your story, I can definitely relate. I am soon to be 25 and my mum March this year was diagnosed with breast cancer and is about to start chemo in June - just like you, it is just my mum and I am I have been juggling a brand new job, my art business and looking after my mum and the cats all at the same time. It is so so exhausting but you are doing absolutely amazingly.

I do hope you’re able to join that group someone mentioned and I hope it’s a really great help!

in terms of being really low and feeling like you are neglecting yourself - one thing I’ve been trying to do as a way to have some time for myself and a distraction is look into something you can doust for yourself - something that’s not super time consuming or anything but just a little something you can either be creative with or whatever it is you have passion for! For example: the things I trying to push myself to do is firstly, do some small workouts 3 times a week - either a short run or follow a short Pilates video on YouTube, and to join in on Art Fight which is a yearly event foartists to connect and loosely compete :))

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure if any of the advice will suit or help you but I just wanted to message on here basically just to say, you’re not alone x