Coming Home to Die

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My partner has got terminal lung cancer and has now had 2-3 strokes as he's got blood clots in his brain, caused by the cancer. He was rushed into hospital last weekend as he had a fall and I couldn't get him up. On Monday they told me about the strokes. The hospital spoke with his consultant and they think he's got 3 months left max. He can still talk but he forgets things and gets confused. He can walk with a walker. They're sending him home on fast track palliative care. It's all very rushed and quite frankly, over whelming. They wanted to deliver a hospital bed today but I told them no as he has a lodger who I can't just throw out. He's aware of the situation and is look for somewhere else to live. The bed would obviously go in this room. I came home from the hospital yesterday with a toilet seat and frame. He'll have carers come in four times a day. We don't live together but I'll be moving in with him. My question is, and I'm aware it sounds incredibly selfish, what time will I get for me as he can't be left alone for long. We'll have no support over night. His daughter lives fairly close by but I'm not sure what she can offer as she's got a family at home. Thanks for reading x

Hevallan 2 days ago

Hello Toms Auntie,

I read your post and although things are moving fast, you are incredibly insightful about your needs, it is so important to look after them. So many of us don’t and before you know it you’re not worth a button. You need to look after yourself when you are looking after your loved one.

Judging by the folk you mention, your partner has a daughter and a lodger. Are you able to speak to his daughter to ask if she is able be part of his support, in an ideal world she would but may not be able to, whether it’s for practical or emotional reasons. Is the lodger friendly with your partner, would you be comfortable leaving him to look after your partner to let you get a break.

When we had carers visiting my Uncle 4 times a day, they were as much support to us as they were to my Uncle and we worked round their visiting times to be able to get out for a breather.

As time goes on have you and your partner talked about hospice care. There are various posts on this forum about how other people cope with a loved one reaching end of life. I’ve attached a link below which you are maybe already aware of but, if like me, you are still finding your way around the site, it’s good to be signposted. I hope connecting with folk on it helps give you the advice comfort and strength you deserve. Huge hugs xx

community.macmillan.org.uk/.../

Toms Auntie 2 days ago in reply to Hevallan

Hi, thank you so much for replying and for the link.

I would imagine his daughter will help out but how much, I don't know. That'll be a discussion I'll have to have with her soon. We're waiting for the lodger to move out so the hospital bed can go in that room. Otherwise if he stays and the bed goes in the main bedroom, I've got nowhere to sleep. If it goes in the living room, that room technically becomes my partners bedroom which means when he asleep or resting, there's nowhere to go and relax.

We've spoken about hospice care and have been told that happens generally when these roughly only two weeks of life remaining. He will go to a hospice hopefully as he's adamant he doesn't want to die at home.

The carers are here roughly 20 minutes at a time, enough time for me to get a quick walk in I suppose.

Thanks again x

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Coming Home to Die