Pushing them away and not sure how to stop

Hi, I am new here and feel like I am in a similar situation as you. 
My partner has just been diagnosed with Lymphoma and I am totally lost. I want to scream and shout that I am scared and heartbroken and can’t live without him but I am holding it all in because I feel I need to be strong for him and not upset him and I wasn’t encouraged to show feelings as a child. 
What do we do? I wish I had some answers. 

Thanks for answering :) - I think half the issue is seeing some of these forums so active and then at times like this, we are the few left and it just exacerbates that feeling of 'needing to keep it to yourself'... Things have eased a little my end, im trying to be as kind to me as I am to him and others. Thats my only real advice i think <3 

Hi BoJo and Hi Klnb

It is really hard supporting our loved ones when they are in the process of becoming accustomed to a diagnosis like this. 

It may be helpful to know that you are not alone with your feelings of frustration and despair - it is absolutely understandable and there is no easy path follow- you have every right to feel that way.

I keep reminding myself that - as I said to my children when we were first adjusting to my husband’s diagnosis of stage IV metastatic bowel cancer - there is no right or wrong way to feel at a time like this! 

After 10 months of chemo and we are facing a change in treatment as a result of the cancers beginning to get around the chemotherapy - but what my little experience with this crazy new world has taught me is that it is very important to take care of yourself and to be gentle.

If you have access to a hospice or local carers group within your area, maybe reach out and see if there are any support groups that might work with you?  

Its really hard to navigate around your loved one’s situation but perhaps a conversation with others about how to begin your conversation with your partner could be helpful?

I am sorry not to be more helpful but for what it is worth, I found a local palliative care nurse was particularly encouraging as was a friend who had lost her partner several years ago. I send you hugs and sympathy xx

I am so glad things have eased a bit for you, I will try to be kind to myself but it is a nightmare waiting to hear if there is any treatment plan. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I will try to take your advice but I am finding it hard at the moment to think of anything in a rational way. 
Thank you once again. 

Hi.

you are certainly not the only one… I feel exactly the same like you… and in the process, I’ve managed to alienate my daughters from me.. .. I’m finding it hard dealing with my husband’s cancer, I thought I was, but lately,and I am becoming more and more angry with myself for letting this happen,  and yet, I can not help it! I too am the product of childhood traumas, and I guess , detachment is a mechanism that has served me well all my life but, somehow, this time, is not quite been working.

i’d like to know more about how you navigate your feelings.. we may be able to help each other somehow.

Professional me would say - Acknowledge your feelings, feel your feelings, talk your feelings. Understanding the protective factors we put in place to protect ourselves is the only way to overcome them in the long term. 

I was thinking the other day - Does what Im doing to myself right now mean it will hurt less in the end? The answer is a resounding 'NO'. So now im working on reminding myself that im losing time by overthinking this actual very minor detail in the grand scheme of things. Because if i let this overcome me, guilt is the only thing that wins in the end. 

Professional me also recognises a lot of it as anticipatory grief. I know our End Game, and whilst I cannot control that, I can control how how we deal with the bit beforehand. So feel my feelings, let them work their way out. And accept our life is in a new norm - a norm of uncertainty and recognising our mortality. 

Non professional me says - breathe, focus, ground myself. It will always hurt regardless so make the most of every moment we can. Weekends away, film nights, cuddles in bed whilst I read, just stepping off the merry-go-round for some time to focus on just us. 

We were very lucky treatment wise, it started quickly, We also didnt wait long for tests. I think that may have been down to the fact I am staff and they kept him in hospital and tested on him whilst in (following a trip to A&E). I know its not how it should work, i do, but i wont lie about being grateful for getting his tests done within 72hrs and results within 10 days. His treatment then started within 6 weeks of initially attending A&E.  

I hope the treatment plan is started soon for you all. Dont be afraid to ask and chase staff too. This is a traumatic time, if you need reassurance and guidance, make it clear to them. 

Some days things are easier but much of the time its just too much to ask of yourself! Be gentle with however you are feeling. Sending a virtual hug!

Thank you so much for your words de of wisdom. It’s very comforting to me to feel that I’m not the only one having conflicting feelings and anger. I will keep your words close to me for does difficult moments. Thank you again