So exhausted.

Hello, 
This is my first time posting on here...I'm quite nervous to be honest. I don't know if anything I'll say will make sense  but I figure if I don't try, I'll just bottle it up. That only makes things worse. I'm sorry if it all comes out in a long jumbled mess. I've never shared anything online like this before. 

My dad passed away from bladder cancer in 2012. It was very sudden, he had a stroke the day before his 35th anniversary to my mum in December and by the 2nd of January he had died. I was the only one there when it happened. My mum left me in the hospital with a family member because I refused to leave his side. I had never seen anyone die before. It severely traumatised me and still does. I barely talk about him, although I'm working on it in therapy. 6 months after that, my mum got diagnosed with breast cancer and I stepped into the role of the 'dad'. I took care of everything, despite the fact I am the baby of the family and she has 5 other children (sadly, one of her sons passed away at 40, so technically there are 4. not including me.). No one helped back then and I was with her through all of the treatment until she got the all clear. During that time, I hadn't processed what happened to my dad. According to my mum and doctors, I had a nervous breakdown right after we had the funeral, which I suppose was good, because I vaguely remember being the one to try and arrange that, too. I've been clinically depressed for a long time...I struggle with it and it comes in waves. I get months that are more tolerable than others but now it's just a case of managing it. I also suffer with fibromyalgia, which I got diagnosed with at 15 and as I've gotten older, (I'm now in my 30's) it has gotten so much worse, which doesn't help when I have to help my mum and manage the house. I feel like I can't even help myself. Some days my ribs swell up and I feel like a boa constrictor is wrapped around me, squeezing the air out of my lungs and my back spasms so badly I cannot move. My fingers turn white and I get pins and needles for long periods of time. My temperature is out of control, no matter the weather outside, I feel it to an extreme and that's just a few examples of the things I experience. It's such a difficult thing to try and explain to people who look at me and from the outside, sure, I might look like I'm OK, but I wake up and I go to bed in agony in every area of my body, every day. 

Over the course of 2024, my mum started to be in extreme pain, to the point I had to call out ambulances numerous times in a month and we would go to the A&E to get her checked out, and eventually in April they told her that she had breast cancer again, but some of it had spread to the bones of her ribcage--apparently, it was like tiny little polka dots. They also told me that it was incurable...but that she was more likely to die with it and not because of it, so I've tried really hard to focus on that and remain calm whenever she gets stressed or anxious. She's 80 now, so on top of that, her memory is not as good as it was and she repeats things so much more when she's in that state. She's (thankfully) taking well to the chemo and the cancer is shrinking but she relies on me so much and refuses to consider getting extra help, because she just wants me, not a stranger. 

But, the thing I struggle with and I feel incredibly selfish/guilty for, is that I feel like I am on an island all alone, isolated and drowning and no one sees it. Or wants to see it. or cares to see it. I try very hard to just get up every day and make sure she's taken care of, she takes all of the correct medication, she has everything she needs and then go out and do the things that need to be done, like a food shop or pay a bill, but even that feels like a gargantuan task, which drains me and my brain feels like it's on the brink of shutting down. Truthfully, part of me would like it to do that, maybe just have another nervous breakdown, because I didn't remember a large chunk of time before, so I wouldn't have to worry about money, which we have very little of and struggle with day to day or overthink every single thing that's happening and how much needs to be done with the house, appointments and how much I'm behind on or questioning what's happened to my life and how I ended up alone in this role.
Even though I love and cherish my mum, I never wanted to be her carer nor did I ask to do it, it was just the role I had placed on my shoulders. The irony is we have always had a trickier relationship than I used to have with my dad. We bicker a lot...and even now, things can be extremely rough some days and we always get through it and keep going. And, that's where I feel guilty. That and I find myself turning into a numb person who is very shut down. I don't want to feel this way.

I don't have any support at all. The rest of our family don't help and make no attempt to offer. There is family history that I won't go into but one son has always treated her badly, so I don't count him...But the others have no excuse not to check in on her often, even if it's just a phone call. My small group of friends barely check in on me and the lack of care, compassion and concern, even if it was just a quick text asking how I am, hurts my heart. I've known most of them for over 10 years and they all know the situation at home. I feel like such an after thought, or worse, not a thought at all. I've shut down more and no longer extend the first branch to see if anyone wants to go get coffee to catch up, because it takes me so long to arrange time out of the house to do that anyway and it makes me feel like it's never reciprocated, so I use that energy to do something else. Because of the situation at home, which has been from the moment my dad passed away up to now, including an array of other issues going on, I don't have anyone who loves me that I'm in a relationship with. I don't have someone who calls me up to see how I am during the day, or just to share a life of my own with. My life is with my mum and I don't see that changing. And, I don't have the slightest chance of meeting someone, even though I just want a connection. Someone who cares for me and who I can care for. I'm slowly realising that due to my situation in life, my age and other factors, my chances of having a family or even finding someone who gets me and is right for me are swirling down the drain, and it's so difficult not to become bitter and even more numb over it. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, but the truth is, if something happened and I needed help, I truly don't think I have anyone I can go to or call and that terrifies me. 

I've been looking online lately to try and find help with a few things and I have gotten nowhere. I finally looked on here when it popped up and thought I would at least try and share, so it's off my chest....So, again, I apologise for the rambling and how long that was. I don't know if anyone is in a similar situation or understands at all, but I'm going to leave it here and probably have anxiety about posting it.