Hello everyone
I’ve typed this so many times and then re read it and felt ashamed.
My husband was diagnosed with non hodgkinson’s lymphoma in March 2024. He’s had 10 months of really tough treatment including methotrexate into the spine. The good news is the treatment is working, his latest scan showed all clear. He’s just waiting for radiotherapy now.
It’s strange that it’s now I feel completely exhausted. I think I was managing when he had to go for regular treatments and blood tests, I went to everyone of them with him. But now I seem to be in some sort of shock. I keep reliving the diagnosis, the treatment, his hospital admissions when he had infections, giving him injections in the stomach, trying to encourage him to eat etc. I don’t want this to be all about me, he is the one that has had to go through this.
I feel a bit empty now. I don’t have much enjoyment in everyday things. Even my grandchildren who I still enjoy seeing, I feel removed from them if that makes sense. My son has asked me occasionally if I want to babysit and I really don’t. I haven’t got the energy to look after anyone. Isn’t that an awful thing to admit.
I did speak briefly to the MacMillan nurse about this, but I do what I normally do and underplay things.
I’ve put on so much weight as I’ve comfort ate during the past year.
Thank you for reading this.
Firstly I think this is normal, all the appointments and treatments have had you mostly on auto pilot and now those are slowing down your body is naturally reacting to you having a little more time to yourself. It's hard taking care of anyone let alone someone who had to ensure such hard treatment over a long time, its traumatinsing watching our loved ones go through this awful disease :O(
Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing as well as you can. Maybe start slow and get yourself a nice book you can start reading a chapter a day, then maybe a short walk every day, just a little "me" time and i'm sure your old self will come back to you. Sending a hug from one caregiver to another xxx
Thank you very much for your reply Choompster. I thought I’d bounce back to ‘normal’ but there will be a different normal for us now I suppose. I think my family needs to know and I have to tell them that I’m not ready to take on anymore responsibilities at the moment. I have been browsing the kindle deals and I’ll download some books and also try and get out for a short walk and wrap up warm. Thank you again, I actually felt a bit better as soon as I pressed send on my original message. Sending a hug back to you 
xxx
You take care of yourself and I mirror what panic said , speak to the family as well. You need to look after "you" right now so you can keep caring for your husband x 
