Worried I might break

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through lately. That is a lot in a life time, let alone over a couple of years. Hopefully just writing it all down and seeing the enormity of it will help you see just how much you’re juggling.  There is no easy fix for any of the issues you’re dealing with but just being kind and patient with yourself, and acknowledging how difficult it all is, is a start because you have to look after yourself as well as your loved ones. Sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure.

It’s very natural to grieve the life you’ve lost with your wife.  Life seems very different when your partner has cancer and even while friends can be supportive, they don’t understand what it’s truly like when your world stops and changes and theirs continues.

I find writing and talking helps me. I had counselling too and then eventually I spoke to my doctor about some anti-depressants, just so I could function and be useful without crying every two minutes. 

Take care of yourself. 

Thank you for replying, much appreciated. I do think writing it down is going to help. You're right about friends too - everyone has been supportive but they just don't 'get it'...and I can't explain it.

Hi StreetTriple. This is also my first post, I've been a lurker for months  but think my experiences can possibly also help you. Apologies in advance, this'll be a long reply! I'm in a very similar, albeit slightly different situation as you. Pre diagnosis, my wife and I had spent years battling our local authority to provide educational provision for our youngest son with SEND to get a school place, having to go to tribunal with the LEA twice, that took a lot out of us, but that's for another forum. My wife was similarly admitted to A&E two years ago this February and had surgery the same night. A few weeks later we had the diagnosis of Stage 4 colon cancer which had also spread to other areas, which was a huge shock. The ileostomy is a big change to take in, but with our stoma nurses support, it has been quite manageable. I hope you and your wife have had the same support we have had. My wife has been on "palliative" chemo fortnightly since then, currently due to have her 45th treatment today. Happy to say that everything is stable so far, which is the best we can hope to take from this! I totally understand your feelings of trying to do a million things and not doing anything properly, it seems to be par for the course. Don't beat yourself up about this, I am a little (big) obsessive in having everything being perfect and to a plan, and I have now come to the conclusion that perfection doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things! My work has been great, and I am able to work from home when needed, even though my job beforehand involved a mixture of on-site works. It has been a really tough two years. It is so difficult to support your partner and make all appointments, hold down a full time job, support a couple of children and also do all the cooking/shopping/cleaning and anything else that comes up, but that is what we have to do. Last Christmas I managed to keep up and hold the fort. This year I think it all caught up with me after two years. I managed to get the Christmas dinner out to all the family and I think my body then just decided that I'd done my job and then shutdown, I went to bed and slept until boxing day night! I can say from that, you need to look after yourself, but I also look at it from a personal perspective and the view that I just need to do everything to support my family. It's a tricky line to balance, but after this holiday period I have learnt that you need to keep "me" hydrated and well nourished, or you'll end up no use to anyone including yourself. And tongue in cheek, wine helps! 

Thanks for the reply - it's good to know that we're not alone with our struggles out there. You're doing a great job! I'm feeling better about things today - it seems to ebb and flow, some days it's all ok but on other days for some reason it all seems too much. Just a matter of perspective I guess - and how tired we are at the time.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I can totally relate to the lost "Us".  The only time we go out now is to the doctors or the hospital. I so wish we had our old life back. It wasn't perfect but I'd have it now in a heart beat. My partner has no wish to do anything other than sit watching telly or be on the computer and that's on the good days, which there isn't many of. I watch couples when I'm out and get sad that we'll never be like that again. No weekends away, no eating out, going to the pub, not even shopping together. It is literally mourning your old life while the person you shared it with is still very much here. I wouldn't wish it on anyone  

Thank you for this. I have been feeling the same and having incredible guilt but now I feel it's quite 'normal'. It is horrendous grieving someone and something that is still very much there. 

I am awaiting counselling but keep trying with heading to the doctors to help my anxiety and mood. I am pretty much house bound with my husband and it's so sad my joys of life are nipping to the supermarket or pharmacy to pick up meds.

It's so hard to read everyone's experiences and feelings, but as a carer myself I can totally relate to all the feelings expressed here.  I too am very scared of many things and I also wonder about the life ahead of us.  We are very early in our journey, but you understand how different your life is and is about to become.  

I have been very lucky as I have been able to access counselling, but lately I am seriously thinking about going to the Dr and asking about anti-depressants.  I think we need to use everything available to us, these forums are a start, and I'm sure there are support groups out there local to people.  

I wish you all well.  I was told that you wouldn't be able to help anyone else until you look after yourself and get yourself in a good place, bit like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on your child in an aeroplane.  So, make sure you give yourself time to rest and to replenish your energy.  I doesn't help when children are in a difficult place, I've experienced that too.  

Take care x