Hi all, it's my first post here. I think I need to get things off my chest. I have read some other posts that show me I'm not alone in what I feel so that's some help already.
It's been a tough year. Just some background, a couple of years ago my best mate died, out of the blue, when I was literally talking to him on the phone (brain haemorage). I think that hit me harder than I ever admitted but I wasn't really aware of it, and I stopped doing some of the things we used to enjoy together. I've pretty much come to terms with that now, then December '23 we found out my son at university was having mental health and addiction issues, so I went into 'dad will sort it' mode. That's been ongoing and has been tough. Then last February (also out of the blue) my wife was ill, went to hospital and within a week she'd had emergency surgery, ileostomy and we found out she has stage 4 incurable cancer. Since then, it's been mad. Two operations, nine chemo sessions, all the accompanying appointments, and complications after the last operation. I've dealt with my son's addiction and am supporting him through addressing it (going ok so far with a couple of relapses) as my wife has enough to deal with. He lives at home, as does our eldest son, and he was made redundant a few months ago and can't get another job (yet). I feel like I'm trying to do a million things and not managing to do any properly any more, much less be effective in my job - which worries me as the only one bringing in a wage now. Work have been brilliant but it surely can't last forever. Sorry that's a long ramble!
I've definitely worked out that I'm mourning the life my wife and me have lost. All we do together now is go to hospital. We both have mates that have been brilliant for us both and my wife has been so amazingly strong and positive. I'm just so sad that we've lost 'us' over the last year and I'm so scared now that if one more problem comes then I'll break. I found it a baptism of fire but was doing ok but now I'm finding it hard to see the joy after the last year and am worried that I'm struggling to find reasons to be here other than making sure everyone else is ok.
