My wife has been diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and has been given between 24 to 26 months to live depending on how well she responds to chemotherapy. These are secondary cancers, her primary cancer has not been found despite many scans, tests and a biopsy. There are two main tumours, one in her back and one in her acetabulum which causes her massive pain and makes it almost impossible for her to walk so she mainly uses a wheelchair now. She is on huge amounts of morphine for her pain. She has had radiotherapy and is 1 cycle into her chemotherapy treatment with her 2nd one next week. She has had some good days after chemo but also some very bad days. She has just started to lose her hair despite being on the cold cap therapy and is currently in bed after spending the night being violently sick.
We have an 11 year old son who we have not told the full truth to about her condition as it would destroy him. I have no idea how I will be able to break it to him when it becomes unavoidable. How do I deliberately destroy the life of someone I love so much ?
I am writing this whilst sobbing uncontrollably which appears to be all that I am capable of doing whenever I am alone. My wife and son are my entire life and I cannot accept that our family is going to be destroyed and my son is going to be 13 when he loses his mum. I am an older parent and if something were to happen to me our son could be orphaned before he is 16 ! I always expected to be the first one out of my wife and I to die.
It's my job to be strong for both of them but I feel so weak and pathetic, all I do is cry and feel sorry for myself when I need to be strong for both of them. There are undoubtedly worse days to come and if I can't cope now, what good will I be when her health declines further and our son eventually finds out the truth. I hate myself for my weakness.
Every time I try to think calmly about what I need to do I am just overwhelmed with dread, I feel sick, it's like I'm in physical pain. I am incapable of stopping myself crying and shaking no matter how much I try. I worry about failing my son when he will need me the most, I worry about my own grief and loss and I worry about practical things like how we will make ends meet when she is gone as we rely on our joint income to pay our bills. My wife has critical illness and life insurance, neither of which will pay out because she had cervical cancer in 2018. Despite making a full recovery and her being clear for 6 years and there being no evidence to support it, her clinicians have had to suggest it is a recurrence of cervical cancer as her primary cancer in order to qualify her for the treatment path and drugs that they say she needs. The insurance company sees this as a pre exisiting condition and will therefore not pay out on her policies. This means that my son will be 13 when he loses his mum and then probably his home shortly after.
I honestly don't see how I am going to manage 2 years of feeling like this without going mad. I know I sound like it's all about me, I know that it's pathetic but I just can't seem to pull myself together and face up to my responsibilities like a grown-up.
I thought that writing down how I am feeling might be cathartic and help me find the strength I need, I'm not sure it has. I genuinely don't think there is anything anyone can say or do to stop me feeling utterly hopeless. I want to give her and my son the best 2 years possible, that's what I should be focussing on but all I see when I look at her is a clock counting down. She's such a good person, she does'nt deserve this, it should be me, I wish it was me.
