Honestly I know I don’t have it that bad… but right now I am falling apart. I’m completely failing at the supportive wife role and I feel like whereas everything else we’ve faced in life we’ve got through together as a team this seems to be tearing us apart.
My husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer at the beginning of May he has had 5 weeks chemoradiotherapy and is currently about to start cycle 4 of 6 of chemotherapy (capox). The chemo side effects are building up and he is struggling with digestive issues, losing weight and is very tired. He is only 40 and we have a 5 year old and a 7 year old.
From my side I’m trying to basically take on the majority of the child care and housework. We also normally co-lead a team at work so I’m trying to pick up the majority of his work load at work too. So I’m mentally and physically drained. Whereas in the past I would have looked to my husband for a shoulder to cry on now I feel like I have to be the stoic one and I obviously don’t want to talk to him about my spiraling depressing thoughts of what if he doesn’t make it through and I somehow have to do all this on my own forever… Partly because of that and partly because of a self-preservation mechanism of trying to prove to myself that I can cope on my own if the worst should happen we currently don’t seem to manage to connect at all. We both worry about each other from a distance but never seem to manage any quality time together anymore and bicker (which isn’t like us at all) because we are both exhausted and irritable.
Anyway was just feeling in a lonely place tonight and needed to tell someone who won’t judge me for feeling sorry for myself. I feel like you always hear the stories of how adversity brings out the best in people, that something like this is meant to make you value life and seize the moment… but sometimes it just sucks and makes everyone miserable!
