Not the supportive, strong wife I want to be.

Hi Scientist44 

Sorry to hear about what you are going through, it is tough and I know I have come close to breaking many times. What helped me at first was when I reached out for help in my case my walking in to our local Maggies and spent the best part of an hour cryng and talking.

I find a lot of the advice in your feeling while someone has cancer quite helpful and posting on here helps us realise we are all humans in a really hard place.

When I opened up about cancer in my workplace I found quite a few colleagues who were also struggling but have never felt able to open up before. 

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Scientist44 

So sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis. I am currently supporting my wife through chemo for stage 2 breast cancer, while keeping the show on the road at home including for two tweenage kids. It is not easy but I recommend to take time for yourself including doing some of the small things that you enjoy. Whether a favourite coffee or music playlist. Plus keep in touch more than you normally would with closest friends and family. And if you need to, reach out to GP or local mental health services for support. It may seem a bit selfish but will help keep your batteries topped up. Don't be hard on yourself. I hope everything works out OK.

You do what you need to protect yourself. This forum is just the place to say how you feel and not be judged like you say. I can honestly say that I am really struggling with hubby’s diagnosis (grade 4 Glioblastoma) and how it is affecting him mentally. I am a mental health nurse who knows what to suggest to others but am not very good with self care. We are strong individuals and it is absolutely normal for us to feel this way.  Sending hugs and love to you x

Hi unfortunately what your experiancing sounds very familiar. Is there a Macmillian Centre you may find that helpful. At times it feels very lonely, so look after yourself, see if your family can help with your kids. My husband is Pallative, somedays your right ut sucks. Just one more thing the Nurse Soecialist are really helpful and understand more than you think on dealing wigh your situation. Go steady and be gentle on yourself. X

Hello, I'm just here to validate your feelings and say I'm here with you in solidarity. I'm in a very similar situation, husband diagnosed with a grade 4 astrocytoma just over a month ago, and I have a nearly 4 year old and a just turned 1 year old at home to look after.

We have never bickered and argued like we have in the last few weeks since his diagnosis ever, it is soul destroying and I feel eternally guilty that my two young children are witness to it. Oldest is finding things really tough.

I also have leaned on my husband hugely in the past so it feels very unsettling and hard to have that role reversal now, but for my husband to shut me out rather than lean on me because he's trying to cope himself and not seeing how it's impacting on me and the children.

It is SO hard. But your feelings are valid, they are all valid and OK to feel. You're doing a brilliant job in a very hard situation 

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and respond with such kind words despite everything you are each going through yourselves. My heart goes out to all of you.

I’m so sorry to hear your story. I can’t even imagine what you are both going through. Me and my husband both had very different responses and coping strategies after his diagnosis. Somehow this doesn’t seem like something we can face together because our fears and struggles stem from such different places as the patient and the partner and I hate that. 

Having little ones around demanding your time and attention all the time does force you to carry on with your life as best you can and attempt to keep some sort of home routine which I think is helpful. But it also means it is hard to find the time to actually process everything going on and deal with your own mental health. I find my 2 a handful but it is so much harder when they are as little as yours. They really never give you a break at all. And although they may not be able to understand exactly everything that is going on they definitely pick up on our emotions. I feel like Mum guilt was already something I struggled with but this just multiplies it. But all we can do is try and be kind to ourselves and know we are trying our best. Give your kids extra cuddles and know that they are far more resilient than us most of the time.

Hugs x

Hi Radley21

Thanks. I know you are right. I am trying my best to find a few odd moments for me and not feel guilty about doing so. I know it’s important as if I’m in a bad place mentally I won’t be any use to anyone.

How are your kids coping with it all? It must be hard having kids old enough to more fully understand what is happening. I wish you and your wife all the best with her treatment.

Hi Scientist44  Kids are coping surprisingly well. Our youngest took it hardest as he assumes cancer = death, but as my wife's treatment has progressed they've both seen it as a journey back to full health. Hope yours also OK, guess being younger has downsides but upsides that they won't fully understand what's going on.

Also, I meant to say in my first message: don't feel bad about thinking what happens if the worst happens. I've had to do the same and never thought I would ever need to do so at this stage of our lives. But it will help to have thought some of those practicalities through and hope they never come to pass. Guess everyone is different in how they cope, but I felt better for doing so, even though I was mortified to have to think about that.

Hi  

Hope it’s ok to message you. My husband had his diagnosis yesterday T4 tumour Rectal cancer including lymph nodes. 
We have been told he will need to have chemo/radiotherapy first and then surgery and will end up with a colostomy bag. 
I’m so scared as to how I’m going to react - just like you I want to be the strong supportive wife but not sure I can and keep my own MH in check. We don’t have the added stress of having kids at home as we are older than you (60 & 58) but it helped to know I’m not alone with this. 
All we can do is take it a day at a time - our colorectal nurse told us it was going to be a long haul so I’m hoping I’ve got the strength to cope.
Sending hugs and positive vibes to you both!