I haven’t used the forum for a while because I think we have been so lucky with how my husbands diagnosis and cancer progression has gone. We were told in 2020 he had 12 months to 2 years because he was stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. Fast forward 4 years and he is still here and relatively well. So what is the problem? I ask myself that every day. Right now I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Rationally I know this is normal because dealing with his long term prognosis is stressful and I know what is triggering these feelings but rationality doesn’t come into it at three am in the morning. I know I have been through a lot in the past 3 years. My mum was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and passed away really quickly and I nursed her at home. Our daughter was really ill with Covid and my beloved grandmother passed away, but I thought I coped really well. Recently though I feel really stressed and anxious. My husbands cancer has started to grow again and his blood tests aren’t as reassuring as they were. He had a repeat CT last week and being honest I am dreading the results. I feel I out on a reasonably good face to all around me but I find I’m snappy with everyone, the lack of sleep doesn’t help either. I have so many feelings and thoughts I just want to scream most of the time. I know my good friends husbands passing hasn’t helped as I see her and think, that’s going to be me soon. I have seen my GP and they increased my antidepressant’s but they haven’t helped the anxiety. We have both retired and I have two adult daughters living at home right now who work shifts and I am never alone to process things, although I don’t really like being alone as it gives me time to think, contrary or what? I don’t want to feel angry, but I do. I feel angry at him, at cancer and sometimes at the world in general and that’s what scares me the most. If this is the road to the end of his life I don’t want to feel like this because we have made so many good memories in the past 3 years ( the first year of his diagnosis was rough) I don’t want them spoiled by what I feel now. Is this normal, how have others coped with spouses with long term palliative care of a loved one? I just feel like running away right now .
