Hi ,
My Mum was recently diagnosed with extensive sclc - she has just underwent her first round of palliative chemotherapy.
I am primary sole carer to my Mum at this stage - She is only 63 and has suffered from undiagnosed depression most her life after a series of tragedies in her life - she will tell you this has left her bitter so I feel horrible to say she has at times been difficult, Hard to motivate and spur on or lift the spirits of but never wanted to seek out help or go down the route of tablets that could help.
Since this diagnosis she has become very angry - I am on constant eggshells and scared to approach any sort of conversations with her in regards to seeking help - in daily conversations or in response to outbursts I reply as softly as I can .
This is going to sound incredibly selfish here but I don’t know what the best things to do to try move forward are - I’ve moved in with my Mum as she’s terrified to be alone - I have taken weeks off work and feel I will need to extend this due to her overwhelming anxiety at being alone - I have recently had personal alarm fitted to try restore confidence as I’m trying to approach softly that I will need to return to work - there’s got to potentially be some hope there that the treatment will give her more time and I need to instill some form of normality - I’ve found myself trapped almost - confined to the house which is such a negative space all the time - I have a brother who’s buried his head in the sand and who I have to negotiate with to come over a night a week to stay with her so I can see my partner - I am cutting myself off from seeing people because I’m scared to even approach the subject of leaving to do more than a quick shop ie socialise for a couple of hours . I am trying to cope the best I can but have very limited support - my mum has isolated herself for many years due to tragedies etc and doesn’t leave the house so has no social circle and we lost my Dad nearly 3 years ago - I had started to get her out and about more and it was going really well then this happened . Anytime I suggest even going a drive in car is met with a no - I’m trying to say hopefully we will have better days and you can use these to do the things you maybe want to do … I want her to be fighting on so that she can do things as she’s complained so many times “ she’s did nothing in life and now look what’s happened “ … Mum is certainly not a bad woman but she is trapped in such a vicious negative circle .
I love my Mum very much and over the years I’ve come to know of her struggles and tried to work with them - this is obv her greatest one now - working against a terminal illness - I just feel like I’m doing all I can to help but I am absolutely drowning - I don’t know what I can do to help .
hi Andie86
Welcome to our community, I am very glad you have found us as I hope we can help, often we all need help and I know I have in the past.
First off - you do not sound selfish at all, like many just struggling in a really difficult position especially when we get in that position between a loved one and work since most people do need to work.
Your mum is entitled to a needs assessment from her local authority and at the same time you might like to get a carers assessment - see here for details on this. Sometimes people will accept the recommendations from this when they might not choose to reach out themselves.
I tended to find my work helped me feel back in control whereas at home things seems very much not in my control. Though from time to time things would go less well. I find some of the advice in your feelings when someone has cancer really quite helpful in recognizing that how I felt was normal and it helped to make them less overwhelming - if anything about living with cancer can be called normal anyway. I also did a living with less stress course and that helped me appreciate what we have rather than that future that I could not control.
<<hugs>>
Steve
