Relationship breakdown - is this common?

Hi Reeling and confused 

Sorry to read about everything you are going through. In my time on here I have quite often seen cancer have quite dramatic effect on people's relationships, sometimes bringing people together and other driving them apart. Sometimes it can be the patient trying to push a loved one away as they feel their illness will bring the other down but in others there often seems little reason. 

<<hugs>>

Steve

Wow, that is really hard on you, I’m so sorry! I think some professional counselling to understand where this has all come from and what the end solution is would be a plan. I don’t think that it’s fair of him to just call time without explanation and especially whilst going through treatment. Having gone through my husband being treated…it wasn’t easy and I almost broke….i would maybe approach the MacMillan councillors and see if they can signpost you to the relevant professional. Best of luck and big hugs

Sorry this is quite long and waffly but reading this has given me some reassurance that someone else has felt a similar way to me

I have experienced something similar but I’m the one with cancer. I was in the early stages (less than 2 months) into a relationship when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. 

My boyfriend (sadly now ex though we have decided to stay friends) was supportive, kind and patient throughout getting the news of my diagnosis and starting chemo treatment in hospital. As I’m only 30 (female) and Hodgkins is an aggressive but treatable form of cancer, my consultant put my treatment regime as the most aggressive they could offer because they knew my body could handle it and it would give me the best chance of going into remission/cured (still not sure if cured is quite the right term). The hospital where I needed to be admitted as an inpatient to get my chemo for 3 days of treatment every 21 days (the total length of my chemo cycle) was the same place where his Dad was taken after a sudden heart attack at work where he died and also his Grandfather had passed away there too. I knew and appreciated that it would be difficult for him to go there to visit me and I was very moved when he overcame his fear of this hospital and visited me every time I was admitted for treatment.

I had a PET scan towards the end of my 2nd cycle of chemo but a few days after I was back in hospital to start my 3 chemo cycle. Before treatment with this cycle, one of the doctors visited me on the ward and I asked if there was any news about my scan and she said (though caveatted she was not an lymphoma specialist) that it was good and there was no trace of the disease showing in my body. I was surprised by this news as I’d been expecting best case scenario I’d have 4 cycles of chemo minimum but she said this was the results they’d expected from 2 cycles of chemo. I was quite confused then why I’d not been contacted by my usual consultant and told this news and why I was in hospital again for another cycle of really aggressive chemo that I might not actually have needed. 

I was discharged after this 3rd cycle and whilst I didn’t experience the same sickness from the treatment that I had during my 1st and 2nd cycles, I felt very depressed and worried that one of the reasons why my consultant hadn’t shared the scan news with me was that it had spread to other areas of my body and further treatment wouldn’t work. I called the haematology nurses and asked them for a reason why a consultation with my doctor hadn’t been made and she said it had been discussed at the MDT meeting and read some of the report from my scan over the phone to me. This gave me some reassurance but I still didn’t know why I had to wait so long to have a meeting with my doctor to discuss my treatment and experiences whilst having chemo.

During this period of treatment I was living with my Aunt and Uncle and they had planned a holiday before I was diagnosed so I needed to move in with someone else for a few weeks whilst they were away. My boyfriend said that I was welcome to stay with him whilst they were on holiday but I had doubts about whether this would strengthen or break our relationship. We were always very honest and communicated well with each other about our feelings and always felt safe with the other to share if something was bothering us. As I went through chemo I could feel that I was changing. I couldn’t feel and joy or happiness and I could see that my boyfriend knew I was struggling but didn’t know how to help and most likely felt pretty helpless. Times when we were together felt more like we were just friends rather than lovers. I wanted to be able to give him the love and affection you deserve in a relationship and I felt from this experience of getting cancer and having chemo that it was something I had lost the capacity to give him. I struggled with sexual intimacy as it stopped feeling pleasurable when I started chemo and I didn’t want to make him feel like I was rejecting any of his advances because I was no longer attracted to him, I just didn’t want to do anything sexual because my mood was so low and I didn’t enjoy it. 

We both eventually came to the agreement that it would be best if we ended the relationship and be friends. The enormity of starting a new relationship and one of the partners getting diagnosed with cancer was too much for the relationship to bear. I am very grateful that I met him and for the brief time that we had together before I got my diagnosis and we were happy. I still love him but the experience of chemo made me fall out of love with him. I believe  that he was the right person for me but just at the wrong time.

So I understand somewhat but from a different perspective. My relationship probably broke down because I have low self esteem and have such an ingrained self belief that I was being a burden to everyone. Everyone I’ve said I’ve felt like I’ve been a burden to has assured me that I’m absolutely not but I still feel this way. I felt guilty that whilst the chemo was changing how I felt about myself and others that the kindest thing would be to end my relationship and allow him to move on and find someone else who is able to give him what he deserves. I think when you care so much about someone you might think pushing them away is the kindest thing you can do for them, especially if it’s painful for you to do an might be for the other but feel in the long run that it’s for the best. I’d always suggest talking therapy as a safe space to discuss feelings and an impartial person might be able to help you both find a solution.

I hope you and your husband are ok and can find a solution during this extremely difficult time for yourselves.