I'm reaching Breaking point! Is this the end?

I feel so guilty. It's almost that as soon as I reached out for help and palliative care team and carers came flooding in, then 2 weeks later.......Gone

It's been 5 days since he left this world and I just don't seem to be able to function. It has been explained that it will never get easier, I will just find better ways to cope? 

I can no longer be everything to everyone, I feel I need my time to crumble a bit. Might be self torture but found myself watching our wedding video and just how happy and hopeful for the future that we were made me cry even harder. Any advice on next stages would be gratefully received

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry to hear about your husband, my sincerest condolences to you and all his loved ones, please don't feel guilty you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about,  and as it's only been 5 days and you did say you have been bottling up your emotions for a while you have a good cry and Iet your emotions out, as you say time to crumble, l can't say how long you will feel like this,  his funeral will be difficult but also helpful to you going forward and you will, things do get easier, I know a part of that is learning to cope,  but there will be a time when nearly all your thoughts about your husband will be of the good times,I know it doesn't seem possible at this time but it's true, and as I have said to my partner, I want her to be happy when i am  gone and enjoy her life for me. Clairjo I'm sure your husband would like that too, please take care 

love Eddie xx 

Dear ClaireJo. There’s nothing I can say that will ease your pain, but I hope you understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You calling on the palliative care team when you did, and their subsequent involvement, just shows that your understanding, knowledge and empathy for your husband was absolutely spot on. 

As you say, no one will, or should, expect you to be everything to everyone now. Listen to your body and your emotions and, if that means that you ‘crumble’ for a while, then that’s what you do. 
I don’t think there is a formula for grieving; we all approach it/ cope with the aftermath in our own way. 
Sending you a massive hug. If you ever need to vent or chat in the days/weeks/months that come, please get in touch.

xx

Morning Claire,

Firstly can I send my deepest condolences to you on your loss, but please try not to feel guilty, I’m going through the exact same thing myself and I have both good and bad days.

You did an amazing job, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you did, admitting that you need proper help is not giving in, it’s putting the interests of your husband first and only then could you be his wife again and not just his carer.

As you say, you need to try to focus on the good times, look at pictures and videos etc, but please do not hold it in, if you want to cry, cry, if you want to laugh, laugh.

You did amazingly and never forget it.

Always here if you need a chat.

Andy

I'm so sorry Clairejo. I felt exactly the same guilt when my husband went into the hospice for pain relief / management and 5 days later he died.

But honestly you have nothing to feel guilty for , you did the right things at the right time for your husbands comfort.

I'm nearly 10 months down the line and still have bad days but do have better days too now. I can't really give you any advice on the next stages because we all grieve in our own way other than try to look after yourself and just take one day at a time.

I'm here anytime you want to talk sweetheart xx