I want to leave

Hi Batkins 

Sorry to read about what you are going through, you are not an awful person just someone in a awful situation.

Lots of people on here talk about walking on eggshells and it can really undermine our own health. If our health goes down the pan then what happens next.

Has your boyfriend had a needs assessment and should you decide you might like to get a carers assessment too.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I don't have any experience of your situation,thankfully. Batkins you are only human.Of course your partner will be struggling with his diagnosis and what lies ahead.He will be feeling scared,angry and confused.  You are the closest person to him therefore unfortunately you will be the one he has on hand to vent to.I think you need advice and support in order to help and support him.I,m sure the Macmillan community has a helpline. I,m sorry but I,m new here myself so I don't have all the phone links yet.However I,m sure you can find it. Best wishes going forward and you are not a bad person at all,just a very normal one trying to cope with an abnormal situation!

Hello. I couldn’t not reply as I am kind of in your situation, but I’m now 60 and with someone for 40 years that I should have left after the first one! My husband has terminal bowel cancer with mets in lungs and lymphs. Diagnosed a year ago and given 6-10 months, but he’s still hanging on...

I had reached the point finally where I had almost decided to leave. Then he had a stroke and his diagnosis and, like you, I felt that I couldn’t forgive myself/live with myself if I left him to struggle on and die alone after all this time. It is very hard caring 24/7 for someone, made even harder by exhaustion and resentment. All I would say is to try and follow the advice, often given, to look out for yourself first of all, and do whatever gets you through this with ‘you’ intact. 

Thank you for this. I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I have spoken to a couple of friends about this and they have both said that wanting to leave doesn't make me an awful person and it's very understandable. 

I think it comes and goes with me, sometimes I can't believe I've even had these thoughts.

It's a strange comfort to know I'm not completely alone with this, if you ever want to chat about how you're feeling, I'm happy to chat 

Thankyou for posting this. I was looking for support myself.

When my mind says those things to me I call it ticking. Like someone with tourettes but inside the mind with no complusion to say it out loud. They are contrast thoughts, ego dystonic and that's why they push my buttons and get me feeling guilty.

There's a community of people inside my head with opposing views and values. I try to notice whose grandstanding and whether they are helfpul and then either disengage or tune into another part of me or just try and tune out all together.

Having friends you can speak honestly with means you can get air to those places that seem white hot and cool it down a little.

This has been the hardest time in my whole life and I agree with Daisy22, i'm just trying to stay intact.

I'm duty bound to my partner, i'm 52 and they are 78. I've had to give up my life bit by bit to care for them but that's what I bought into - the first 10 years were amazing and then she got poorly - we've been together 22 years and married 18.

Death and dying is an assault on a human being and to bear this consistently is a tall ask. I'm watching a very slow car crash and its strangling the life out of me.

I feel fragile because all my armours gone

There's nothing so real as death and dying to dispel all illusions.

But we can't have a mind like an authoritarian state that bans all dissent, our minds are thankfully still our own and we can still choose - be kind to yourself and manage your mind and body or equipment as effectively as you can

Thankyou for your post, I feel a better knowing I'm not going through this alone

DaisyD22 Sending you hugs and hope you well. I can't believe I have read your post, I am in a very similar situation! The end of last year I reached a milestone birthday and decided I had finally had enough of my marriage, it had been going downhill for several years.
Unfortunately I don't really have any family or friends nearby, my husband and I run a business together and that is the only real work experience I have so working out how I would achieve this was a minefield!
Then the bombshell, what started as lower back pain in March turned into advanced prostate cancer. Having seen the oncologist this week she gave an average of 5 years, I am sat here now regretting not making a decision sooner as now I am trapped for up to or more than another 5 years.
I already felt as though I had given the best of my life to him and starting to resent having to give up even more, I won't and can't leave him in these circumstances, I couldn't live with myself if I did but wonder how I will survive as we are only at the beginning

Hello Eeveechu. I really feel for you. As you say you and I have been in the same place, and I know how hard it is. My husband died on the 17th June. You might imagine the massive conflict of emotions I am living with and am trying to navigate both the grief and the guilt.
I was offered a psychologist by his palliative care team whilst he was still alive, but it was impossible to leave his side for even five minutes. We don’t have children and no family around (we live in France). 
After he died his team offered the psychologist again and I have been seeing her regularly and have to say it’s been valuable beyond my wildest hopes. 
if you’d like to talk more about all this please message me.

Sending you hugs and the strength to deal with everything xx

Hi DaisyD22 Thank you for your reply, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and can only imagine the emotions you have gone through. Glad to hear you are finding help and support from the psychologist, not something I would be keen to participate in never really been much good at talking about feelings... but I guess it is something I should possibly consider.

Hope you can find yourself now and some happiness moving forwards x

Hi DaisyD22, my heart is with you. My partner passed in early July and I am in the same boat with trying to deal with the grief but the guilt that I have for going through this period of wanting to leave. Looking at it now, I don't think I ever could have possibly left, I loved him so much but it is such a difficult situation to go through. It's eased the guilt somewhat knowing I'm not the only person that went through this. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know all too well what you must be feeling right now.