Husband was diagnosed in 2022 and in January this year we were told there is no further treatment available. He is now downstairs in a profiling bed and spends his day playing computer games. When I go in to see him he pauses the game and just looks at me. I try to start conversations but he just gives short, closed answers and then after a minute or two sighs and puts his head back and closes his eyes. When I leave the room he is straight back to the game. He sometimes gets upset about his loss of independence and accepts my comfort and reassurance then, but after that he closes himself off again. I feel like I have lost my husband.
I am at home all day with him but I am finding it difficult to really get on and do jobs around the house. I am ok in the morning but by the time I have washed up after lunch I feel like I can’t face doing much. Because I am permanently on call for everything he needs I have this thought in my head that I have to reserve energy for whatever he might need so end up doing little bits here and there and just waiting for the next request. I rarely relax anymore because if I start doing something I enjoy and he calls me for something then I feel irritated and I am worried that one day I might take it out on him and say something unfair to him.
I feel like I am failing him because I am not enhancing this part of his life. I used to feel like if he could go to sleep at night having experienced something positive, no matter how small, then I would have done my job, but the last week or so he seems so flat and unreachable. He is playing computer games but it doesn’t seem to be giving him any satisfaction.
I think I am writing this just because I want to feel heard and not so alone.
