My mum has cancer but I'm planning to move abroad. What do I do?

Hi Rmo 

That does sound like a difficult decision though I note you say you mum is encouraging you to go for it but like any big life change they are often not easy.

I wonder if it might help you to talk to someone - either on our helpline or perhaps something more face to face in for example a Maggies centre 

<<hugs>>

Steve

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's a tough decision to make. All I can say is you should follow your heart and trust your gut instincts. Everyone is different and there's no right or wrong answer. For example, a good friend of mine had the opportunity to transfer to Australia for work, her mum has Parkinson's disease, but she still took the job offer. Her parents didn't want her to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity. If it was me, I wouldn't feel comfortable about being so far away. I guess we have to ask ourselves, what would we regret more? Spending more time with family or not living the life you want?

I was supposed to go on holiday to Japan with my friend in Australia and her friends at the end of the month but my dad's cancer has spread, I would feel guilty if I went away for 10 days. I know if it was my friend she would probably still go on holiday. 

At the end of the day, we only have one life and sometimes we have to put ourselves first. I have a tendency to feel guilty, so unlike my friend, I rather miss out on things rather than be consumed by guilt towards my family. For me, that is putting myself first cos I hate feeling guilty. My friend is the opposite, she would feel guilty if she missed out on opportunities. She dearly loves her mum and they have a very good relationship. It just goes to show that we have to listen to our heart and that everyone is different. If you do decide to go, there's no need to feel ashamed or guilty about it, your family has encouraged you to live your life. You've been a carer for your mum for 8 years, you've done a lot for her. You're a wonderful daughter. 

It's a tough decision to make. Good luck with whatever you decide and all the best to your mum! 

Thank you for your reply. I called the helpline and they encouraged me to seek advice from carers on this forum. I would attend a group meeting but I don't think there are any I can attend around work. I'm seeking therapy again but other than that I'm stuck to cope alone.

Follow your heart, don't do anything you may regret letter.

big Hugs Jan

Hi There 

sorry to hear this and the tough decision you have to make. I don’t have advice as such but want you to know I totally relate and you are not alone. I am the same age as you and my father’s only child who has stage 3 lung and bone cancer. I am constantly in a state of guilt when I even want to step away for a few days and spend time  with friends to feel moments of joy and normality . It is easy to feel guilty for feeling like you are choosing yourself but you have done so much and are an incredible daughter which I’m sure she knows and appreciates. you deserve happiness . I think the only thing is to follow your gut intuition and have open communication with your family. Wishing you all the best whatever your decision