Caring from abroad

Hi Isabel03 

Guilt is a very common emotion among carers even when not living abroad. I wonder what the person going through the treatment would think though. Often we see people not disclose a cancer diagnosis because they do not want to worry their children or be treated differently.

What might help is to check out what support the loved one has in place and of course keep in touch but at the end of the day this is a personal decision.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Isabel 

I am an only child and currently live in a different city (not abroad) to my Mum who is living with Stage 4 breast cancer. She is my only parent so it's always been just me and her, and always will be! We have barely any family around and those who ARE around refuse to help her - they're, simply put, not very nice people. I try and get back to my Mum as often as I can but it's difficult with University and work, and everything else I have to do. But I do struggle with that guilt, especially given my Mum has other health conditions that makes her pain and everything 10x worse. 

I do know that if the diagnosis had come earlier, I would not have moved away again. I briefly questioned whether to drop out of my Masters degree but by the time the diagnosis came, I was half-way through it. So I try to not question my decision to stay living away too much, as I know my Mum wants me to finish it as much as I do! I think the guilt I feel transitions into anger a lot of the time, directed at the family members that could help my Mum while I'm away but they just don't want to. 

When we got the diagnosis, I immediately began therapy. Even though I felt I didn't need it right there and then, I knew I would later down the line. I think it helped me process in those first few weeks where it was scary and overwhelming. I am grateful that I also have a big group of friends who I can rely on when I need to, they help me process and talk through my feelings when I feel upset, or guilty, or angry. Away from the talking side of things, I also journal a lot. I try to write in my diary every day just to get all my thoughts and feelings out. So even if there's something I don't want to say to my friends or therapist, I will scribble it into my diary so it is out of my head.

Honestly the last thing I'd say is talking to your loved one with cancer as regularly as you can, this way you can see what they need from you or from others. I call my Mum every day (sometimes multiple times a day haha) and I will take time off University and time off work if necessary to travel home to her if and when she needs me to. Sometimes that means I miss class, miss out on some wages at work, or cancel plans with friends. Although it is always a personal decision, I don't believe you have to give up your life to be a carer, just some things have to change and shift around a little bit to make it all work.

Sending you love and light x

Rachel.