Told not to drive

1. My mum has cancer in her hip as well. She stopped driving as it caused pain in her hip to press the pedals. Her car was automatic. She was also told it would affect her insurance so called it quits. I feel for you as mum said it was like losing the biggest part of her independence

Thank you for hearing me. I am sorry about your Mum and she is lucky to have you helping  her. For my husband it is a massive blow  to his pride. He loves his car and hates having to be driven by me. 
I cannot even lie to him and say it will get better and this is just a temporary blip. I am sure it would invalidate his insurance if he goes against medical advice. Logically he knows,  but emotionally he can’t accept it. So hard for him. 
I don’t know how I can ease it for him. Pain is manageable - you just pop a pill! Anguish and disappointment doesn’t have a pill. 

I can understand how hard it is for your husband. Has he been told about how painful it could be driving and that he could put himself back a step or two? It must be so frightening for him and my mum when something you took for granted is taken away through no fault of your own 

His main deterrent is the fact that he takes large amounts of opiates for pain, which will affect his focus and reactions. 
Today he is more resigned to the judgment but still grumpy with me! 
He believes he will improve and drive eventually. Sadly I am not so optimistic but will not squash his hope as that keeps him more positive. 
All the best to you and your mum xx

Thats the best you can do. I am sure he will adapt but like my mum I bet there us a fear he wont admit to. Mum is on loads of different forms of morphine so would have been in thd same position as your husband. Hopefully he soon adapts. Best wishes to you both

Similar pride and stubbornness here...

My Mum is in her 70s and was diagnosed with lung cancer recently. She has also experienced paraneoplastic syndrome - mobility, coordination, speech have all been adversely affected. Her frustration and anxiety are very prevalent and we are finding it difficult to say the right thing to her. She is angry and feeling out of control but won't admit it. She says she accepts her illness. She puts on a brave face for anyone outside of our immediate family so even her friends and siblings don't know the mental anguish she's experiencing. She doesn't sleep well. It's sad to see her distress but it is very hard to help her when she won't admit she needs help.

She thinks we, her immediate family, are conspiring against her to stop her independence, particularly around driving. She recently got go ahead from DVLA to drive but she filled in form prior to a recent decline so we are not convinced she or anyone else would be safe if she drove. She's extremely resentful and angry about this and thinks we are deliberately trying to take away her independence. It's very upsetting for all. 

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. It is a horribly distressing time for everyone. With my mum she found it painful to get in and out of a car as a passenger so that helped confirm to her it was time to stop. As well as losing her independence it sadly meant that mum became house bound. I hated this for her as she had always been so active and loved being out doors. As her illness progressed she said she was happy sitting in her chair watching the garden and wildlife. I felt really mean but was glad I didn't lose her in an accident. It might help your mum if you asked one of her siblings to talk to her about it. I know mum had 2 sides, the side she showed friends and carers and the side we saw. I know it was just her trying to release her feelings, anger and distress. We got it because she felt safe doing it with us and I will always be grateful we could be that release for her. It us very hard and until someone has been through it they don't really understand the full pain for everyone involved. I hope the situation improves for you and you can always talk on here

Thank you Flojo, I really appreciate your reply. 

I do agree that I'm grateful we can be a release. I don't mind that much if I thought it was helping her deal with things or get her to a better place of acceptance. Doesn't feel that way though. More like a downward spiral. 

I have a very good relationship with my Aunt, her sister, and that's helpful. Unfortunately my Mum makes excuses to not even see her. She's one of the people who gets Mum's "other side". 

I'm hoping a medical professional bans her from driving. Although I believe she knows she can't. She just wants to blame us for disallowing it. Then she has a person to direct her anger at, not a disease.

I'm sorry for the hard time you had but it sounds like you navigated it with patience, grace and compassion. I'll dig deep to try and do the same.

Hi it is a horrible time you are going through. One thing I do know is you are concerned you can phone your mums GP and tell them your concerns. The GP can then act on them. Obviously they can't tell you about the interaction with your mum unless you have POV. But it could be a way of getting a result for you. Maybe you could invite your Aunt for tea and cakes and not tell your mum.so she has to speak to her. Get someone to phone you so that you have to leave the room. My mum wasn't happy when her friends didn't come to see her so I arranged for them to come one afternoon and used the time to go and have some sleep.

Thank you so much. I'm grateful for your experience and thoughts. I will try to use some of your suggestions.