My friend is going on holiday with her friends to Japan for a week in March and asked if I wanted to join them. Normally I would be happy that she invited me along and I would jump at the opportunity and say yes. But my dad has terminal bowel cancer, thankfully he's been relatively stable for 11 months. I don't know whether I should go away for a week incase something bad happens. That's the dilemma of being a carer, finding a balance between your own life and the person you're looking after. I'm lucky I have siblings to help out, so I could potentially go away for a week but it's the internal guilt of not being constantly there for my dad and if anything bad happens, I won't be there.
I don't even meet up with my friends, my life revolves around working from home and then going to my parents house after work and weekends to look after my dad and to give my mum a break, sleeping over for 3 to 4 nights per week. I handle all the medical appointments. One of my brother still lives with my parents, so there's always someone there with my dad. I just want to spend all my time with my dad and I've completely neglected my own social life. I feel guilty if I'm not spending all my available time with him.
I've told my friend I want to go on holiday but I might have to pull out or fly back home early if required. But now I'm feeling guilty and might just tell her I've changed my mind and can't go. I know this isn't healthy thinking , but I feel like each day might be my dad's last day and so I want to be there for him. I've been feeling like this for 11 months, whenever he's sick, in pain or there's anything wrong with him, I'm in panic mode. I'm emotionally exhausted. Does anyone feel like this? How do you find the balance between looking after someone and trying to have a bit of your own life and not feeling guilty?
