Having offered support to others over the past few months I now find myself wobbling. My husband has undergone chemotherapy over the summer and continues hormone treatment for advanced prostate cancer. We took advantage of short breaks and did as much as we could including foreign travel. After both of us getting covid, one after the other we awaited scan results. A couple of weeks ago all was looking good at oncology consultation and we were told to enjoy Christmas and relax a bit. Then bang a letter to say return to oncology after Christmas. We have a supportive family who are helping us. Confusion reigned and it appears the psa levels are up and a blood result from August was why we were given hope. I am in a complete emotional mess. Still functioning and doing what I can but sinking into an emotional void.
The administrative procedures are complicated, ie who does what. We are waiting for a phone call from nursing practioners who are amazing. I am trying to carry on and be positive but can see mental determination and physical decline in my husband.
I totally understand how pushed the hospital services are but having been given some relief then changed is exhausting. Maybe acceptance is missing from me, I don't really know. The future is looking difficult and my inability to keep strong is waning.
There - early morning thoughts and no doubt I will recoup and get on. I feel naive and childish as we are not young. I feel selfish as it's not me with cancer. I have had anxiety and depression since adolescence and am.working on dealing with this with good gp support plus meditation and relaxation. Panic and crying alone is draining. Maybe gratitude for having had such a busy charmed life is in order. Accept what is happening and hope the next stage is as easy as possible for him.
When I read how young people are having to deal with this I feel very guilty and wish I could do more to support. Hey hoh. Onwards.
I am in the same place partner has aggressive melanoma, secondary in bones. I am also off work sick. Coping most of the time but don't like to think too far ahead. Big hugs to everyone supporting so and love to the ones living with cancer. 
