Moving from shock to acceptance?

I feel like I’m in a permanent nightmare. Like you I cry, I broke down yesterday in the pharmacy and today in front of the nurses in hospital while he was in the bathroom.

I’m not sure I’ll ever move to acceptance . Again like you my husband  is relatively young. (63)

My husband is considering not having the palliative chemo he’s been offered but that’s a whole other issue.

Sending you a gentle hug.

• It's literally that - a sense of being trapped in a nightmare with no escape. My husband the same age. Haven't told the children yet. Sending hugs. Xx

HI Kiki58

Oh I know how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour in Sept 2020 and given 12-15months. He was 50 at the time and a total fitness freak (marathon runner) Nothing prepares you for hearing a diagnosis like that.

You're right- you have had a physical shock- and an emotional one- and that takes time to process. The role of the carer here is a tough one so it's ok to feel exhausted. You automatically try to do everything you can to support your husband but tend to forget about your wee self.  

I wrote a blog for MacMillan last year that might help a bit here. “I’m fine”: how do you really cope as a carer? - Macmillan Online Community

I appreciate my husband's situation is an entirely different cancer journey but after  surgery and six weeks of oral chemo/radiotherapy in combination, he declined all further options of treatment. It was a decision I had to respect. He wanted quality of life over quantity and has made the most of the last three years. He has far exceeded the doctor's expectations. (see my profile if you want the gist of it - I'll not bore you here)

We've been in the palliative care phase since the end of Feb 2023 and are now approaching the final leg of the journey, It's been a gruelling emotional rollercoaster ride but you know what- you find the strength to keep going and so far a carer's success rate of making is through the tough days is pretty good. We're still here! I'm not too proud to admit I am now totally exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally.

This group and the online community in general has been a great support for me personally throughout. It's a safe and supportive space there's always someone about to listen who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer a virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. We've got you

It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

Please make sure you take care of your wee self here too and take some "me time" recharge those batteries. Even a few minutes to walk round the block or sit with a book and a coffee can make a world of difference. It's not selfish to take time for yourself. It's essential for your own wellbeing.

For now though I'm sending you a huge hug and lots of positive energy. Stay strong. You're coping so much better here than you give yourself credit for.

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Thank you so much for these thoughts - it really helps. I'm shocked by how physical the fear, anxiety and sadness are - the emotional translating in bodily pain.... 

The human body works in bizarre ways when it reacts to shock. Try to recognise these feeling/symptoms as a reaction to all that's going on. Let them flow through and move forwards. There are still somedays when this hits me all over again- usually when someone innocently asks "How are you doing?" and I'll be in floods of tears again but it passes.

Hang in there

Love n hugs

Wee Me xx