My dad is ,what we think is his last few weeks of life, he has slowly deteriorated and now can only speak single words, can barely move, is very zoned out not eating and very very sleepy.
We are trying to understand what he wants or needs but continually get it wrong, I feel useless, he can't move , can't speak, isn't eating and we can't even understand his basic wants...... Its so hard to watch him and see him drift further away! I imagine he will have the syringe driver shortly.
His eyes show sadness, his eyes show frustration and pain.
Just needed somewhere to say I feel rubbish , I feel like I am not doing enough and I feel like this experience for my father has been just about waiting to die and I absolutely hate that! I hate we couldn't do anything special or fun or have time to re live the memories. We have just had dad home , seeing things, not remembering what we talk about, unable to sit up or move , bruises everywhere and tiredness like no other, he hasn't enjoy his last meals or the company of family as he hardly knows who they are!
I hate that this process has held no joy for him in his moments of darkness.....
This is not what you plan for, hope it will be like, this is just torturous.
Hi Gingertom
Not from cancer but went through something really very similar with my dad with a series of seizures and every one robbed us a bit more of the man we knew.
When, finally, the moment came it seemed somewhat surreal, a sense of peace but also great loss. There was a feeling of relief that his suffering was over but also a feeling of guilt for feeling a sense of relief.
His funeral however was beautiful. A real celebration of a life well lived and the mark he made on his children and did not focus on the painful time we have all been through.
Glad you found us - we do really understand, it is rubbish but perhaps we can help shoulder a little of the pain.
Thinking of you at this difficult time.
<<hugs>>
Steve
