Struggling with Mum's choice to not accept treatment

My mum is in a very similar situation and I feel the same as you. I can't even think about losing her but I also don't want her to suffer. 

I'd advise being honest and letting her know how you feel without pushing your opinion on her, I think honest conversations are important. It might not change her mind but I think it'll help her look at the situation from your point of view too and at least you can work through the decision together or as a family. Ultimately its their body and their choice and we will support them whatever that choice no matter how hard. 

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it.

Initially I said that I totally understood and that I  absolutely respect her choice, but since a work colleague shared that her mum had been.on the immunosuppressant treatment for 5 years now and we still quite well I feel.that I've failed mum by not doing more research. 

1. I think I've always been the family 'fixer' and this is out of my hands. I think you're right and honest conversation is the way .to go as so that we can be ourselves and make the most of our time xx

Hi Marksywends56 

One of the issues with almost any treatment is no two cases are the same. Informed consent is both a blessing and a curse because the doctor must give the full range of options.  The first chemotherapy my wife had was if anything too successful and as a side effect managed to cause a lung to collapse - 6 times in her case.

One of the plus points in not going for treatment is that the doctors can concentrate on the symptoms rather than the disease and that can hit the balance of quantity vs quality.

You do not sound selfish at all to me and talking is really important as is being really well informed - then whatever decision is made is the right decision no matter what happens going forward.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I have said somewhere else that my dad has been saved a couple of times. From heart problems, from eating problems with a stent, but now faces lung problems. I don’t know if it’s kind to prolong someone longer than they need to be or not. I feel not, in my heart of hearts. But everyone must make their own choices. 

I had exactly the same feelings. My dad has terminal bowel cancer, he's already made up his mind that he doesn't want further treatment and go in and out of hospitals for appointments, he values quality of life over quantity. He's still young, close to 70. At first I did regret not pushing him for palliative chemo but I know that whatever I say, I can't convince him to change his mind. 

However certain family members kept on pushing my dad to get chemo. They kept on quoting "so and so had chemo and it was a success" These are second hand stories, friends of friends who had cancer and survived, we don't have the full details. To bring these family members back down to earth and not to upset my dad,  I told them "no two cases are the same, there's always an element of risk, there's no guarantee success, it could also make things worse. Who knows?" 

Our GP is amazing, she talked about knowing all the facts before making a final decision. In the end, my dad didn't even want an appointment to see the oncologist to find out more. I really wasn't happy about that and I discussed this with him. He was adamant he doesn't want further treatment.

I don't think you're selfish at all. I feel the same, we just want more time with our parents, it's hard to see them suffer and in pain. Having treatment feels like there's more hope, doing something proactive about it. Now it feels like I'm waiting for my dad to gradually go down hill. To be honest, at this terminal cancer stage, palliative chemo will only manage symptoms and extend life rather than cure, so it's easier for me to accept he doesn't want to do anything about it.