Don't know why

Hi Zebra thanks for posting.  It sounds like you are trying to do your best and that is all any of us can do.  I logged in for similar reasons.  Yesterday was very "heavy" emotionally and I can't take many more days like that.  In the past I tended to keep drama to an absolute minimum, but now I can't cope with my husband;s cancer on my own.  I am getting help from family, but at the same time I feel like I'm living out episodes of EastEnders or Coronation Street.  I love my husband and I want to run away at the same time.  I came to realize that I cannot cure his cancer.  I am not qualified to advise him on alot of the things he asks me about ie. should I increase/decrease the dose of a certain medication.  I told him that he can talk to me about it, but really he needs to speak to his clinical nurse specialist, oncologist or GP about certain things.  I manage by confiding in someone close to me who has been through cancer with her partner.  I also post on the MacMillan forums.  Sometimes the replies I read I take in but don't have that a-ha moment until a bit later on.  I'm not managing very well.  I am not doing the whole self care thing.  I hope to change that. 

You say how do you 'manage' - I go and sit on the step outside the back door and have a cry when it all gets too much. But I'm not sure that's the sort of 'managing' skill you were looking for.

Sometimes I read things on here, or write, to feel part of a bigger community of people all silently trying to carry on through the worst time of their lives.

I've been managing for 2.5 years now, but the last 6 months have been much worse - feeling so helpless to do anything in the face of his worsening symptoms and prognosis, knowing my husband doesn't want to talk about it any more than he must. I easily burst into tears at trivial domestic calamities, like the garage door stopping working!

Every now and again I ask myself whether I think I'm becoming depressed - but on balance I haven't so far. My moods go up and down with the illness. I wonder about going to see the GP, then think what would I ask them for? Pills to make me a bit more positive? Or a week off work to focus on the cancer, which would undoubtedly make me feel worse? It's worth asking the question of yourself from time to time, but so far I've kept coming to the gloomy conclusion I am only in the foothills of this awful journey, and maybe when I get further on I will need to reach out for that sort of help.

When its getting too much I try to remind myself, like I did as a young Mum, that this is just one 'phase' - and there will be a different one along shortly - could be better, could be worse, but it will be different.

HI

all any of can do is our best. Nothing and no one prepared us for this journey we have all found ourselves on. We got little if any warning, no road map and no guarantees of how long the journey would last but we are all doing our best and are all doing better than we give ourselves credit for.

My journey started at 8.53am on 26 Aug 2020 when my husband sat me down and told me he'd gone to the dr behind my back and had an initial scan. That day he went for more detailed scans as the neurological science centre...to me that was the day the clock started ticking here even although the diagnosis wasn't formalised until 4th Sept when we met the neurosurgeon. 

Along the way there have been some highs and a lot of lows but on the tough days I try to break it down into manageable chunks eg if I can get to 10.30am I'll have a coffee, if I can get to 12.30 then that's me made it to lunchtime...you get the picture.

I'm torn at present about talking to a counsellor but for a lot of people that works and helps so please remember that MacMIllan can help with this too. The helpline number is below. I suspect I'll reach out to someone in time (once this is over).

I do journal a lot and that helps. Seeing the words down on paper takes a lot of the power out of them and the fear. It also allows you a medium to write down the conversations you wish you could have and get it all out of your system. Give it a try.

Taking time outdoors helps too. Being away from the house even for a few minutes give you time to breathe so I do try to get for at least one walk a day. These days I tend to go for a quick 20 min walk at lunchtime with my son to give him space to talk to me away from the house then try to get a longer walk on my own after work. 

I've been off on annual leave for just over a week and can't say that it has helped. I find work gives me something to focus on other than the omnipresent cancer situation. I have tried to make sure I do at least one thing a day while I'm off so there's been lots of coffee catch ups.

This is an emotional rollercoaster ride so we are all allowed to feel sad and broken and depressed at times. The fact that everyone who has commented here so far acknowledges those is a credit to everyone's strength. It's the strongest, most resilient among us who show those emotions and by showing them you are processing them and that is far healthier than bottling them all up. 

So please don't be too hard on yourself for feeling low but remember you're not alone. We're all here for each other. We all get it. 

sending all of you a huge virtual hug and lots of positive energy. Stay strong. You are all amazing and don't ever forget that.

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Thank you Wee Me and everyone else who replied to my 'cry from the heart'.  Thankfully I am feeling a lot brighter today.  I eventually managed to get my husband to telephone his GP earlier.  We learned from this call that his care had been transferred to another hospital which is about half the time away as the previous one.  That's good news as it is also our favoured hospital.  It also explains the apparent lack of communication lately, so that is another plus for my feeling better. 

I really like the idea of keeping a journal/diary - I can see the benefit of downloading my emotions onto a page.  Getting out for walks is also attractive - I have tended to become a bit of a hermit recently. 

So thank you all for your understanding, compassion and advice. 

love n hugs to you all, Zebra