When do you become a "carer" rather than just a spouse?

Hi motherofboys 

Looking at this page from the NHS and what you have written above you are more than qualified to use the term carer but it is not unusual for our partners to resist this as it can make them feel less able.

There are certain advantages to you in being flagged as a carer - certainly you should let you GP know. It you are working you also have some protections and given the law just past are entitled to some time off to look after the person you care for - if you need it.

I wonder if it might help to reflect on the pages on anticipatory grief too as that may help to direct feelings of a balance between the worry/realism side of things.

Do keep posting too - together we make a great team.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I dont think we become one or the other, we care for the person we love because of that, because we love them. I dont think you should worry about putting a label on yourself. Being a carer is extremely tough, and it does affect your mental health. When the person we love gets sick, we do become their carers, that applies whether you are nursing someone through flu or cancer. You are juggling a lot of balls and you have to set time aside for yourself or you will burn yourself out and not be able to look after you or him. hugs xx

I agree with you totally.  My partner and I have only actually lived together for a few years and suddenly I am his carer... I no longer have a guy with whom I share my life, a partner, a lover.  I have a man child who looks to me for everything and on days when I go out without him he says that I am abandoning him.  

Do you have a spare room that you can sleep in sometimes?  I do that more and more as it gives me some time to myself and a better chance of getting some sleep.  

I too worry about my mental health... I am ok for a while and then I lose it and have a big tantrum and he looks blankly at me and then pretends it hasn't happened and we go on as we were.

This forum is the only place where I feel able to say these things because I feel so horrible sometimes when he is going through it and it is going to end badly - we know that - but we just don't know when.

Sending everyone on here lots of hugs xxx

The sleeping in a spare room option is one I've toyed with - but he actaully needs help when he wakes in the night. If I was in another room I would certainly sleep through, but that might not be a good thing.

I am strongly leaning towards swapping our bed for twin beds, so that I only have a single bed's worth of stuff to wash each time there's an accident, I would sleep deeper and he could have a wedge under his mattress. But I haven't actually suggested that to him just yet. I keep thinking, when we get through to the end of this treatment, but there is always another result in a few weeks which might change our course and then we start another treatment...

I totally agree with your first paragraph, i  miss sharing life with my husband, lover and partner of 34 years i am just a carer to him now and as you say mine has tantrums and sulks if i go anywhere, even work, as i am "abandoning him" 

You are his advocate and his support as well as his partner. I can relate to that and we do it out of love, as hopefully they would do the same for us if the situation were reversed? 
You sound sleep deprived which  exaggerates and distorts things and makes you fractious. Can you sleep separately so that you are rebuilding your strength and soothing your nerves better? Take care of of yourself first so that you can help him better because you are a very important person in his life right now. 
I shall also try to practice what I preach! 

I feel like this, but more like his mum than a carer. The driving is the biggest bug bearer that and the constant shopping. I can drive but husband has usually always done it as he admits himself he is very critical of other people driving.

I have let him drive twice and it was nerve wracking but he says that driving is all he has got left and even it is explained to him that he could hurt himself, other people on the road he is not bothered.

I had that same problem and our car is automatic, so it's easier, but I read the contraindications on his pain killers and pointed out his reactions would be impaired by the meds and it would be illegal for him to drive. He accepts it now but it is a very hard blow to his dignity. It must be soul destroying to lose your sense of control and purpose and especially to let a 'WOMAN' drive you, eh? I give him jars to unscrew and ask his opinion on lots of things to hopefully bolster up his self image of himself as still useful.