How to introduce end of life discussion

Oh I hear you, Motherofboys! My husband's key coping mechanism, after his running/walking, is total denial!  We are further down the road than you and have actually put the ducks in a row so to speak.

I also have a similar issue in that my husband is point black refusing to talk to the ANP from the hospice. He says its all negative and he's not interested. 

The hook there for me was that he gave them permission to talk to me so at least I can reach out and have a proper discussion as needed. Would he maybe let you be the go-between here within reason? Pitch it that you're saving him from having to talk about this but that you need to discuss things so that you know what to do just in case....that kind of thing. Just a thought.

I'll be open and honest here- we had the POA discussion as a family shortly after my husband's terminal diagnosis, agreed what I thought was to be the plan then he went to a lawyer and put an entirely different arrangement in place. He didn't tell me and I  only found out by chance. Let's just say I was less than impressed... 

Putting the DNR in place, resolved the medical part of the POA and in our case, solved the issue. Our community nurse spoke to G quite plainly and said she had a list of questions she was only going to ask him once. She asked what did he want to happen when the end came, did he want resuscitated? Did he want kept alive by machines? He said no. That was all it took to get the DNR in place as she fed that back to the GP who did the paperwork. She then asked him when the time came where did he want to die?  There was no suggestion that it was imminent but she pitched in such a way that she was asking now just in case he couldn't tell them at the time. He said he didn't want to die at home and said ideally the hospice or hospital. She then asked at what point did he think he might want to consider that it was time for that level of care. It was agreed when he could no longer do his own personal care. Done deal in three simple questions that don't need to be asked asked again. She then asked if he was ok with them speaking to me weekly rather than bothering him and he said yes. Sorted....well as much as we can be.

I'm not sure if that helps you or not but hard as it is, these are things you need sorted for your peace of mind. I felt a tremendous weight lift once I knew we had a basic end of life plan. 

If you need to discuss the financial side of things, benefits and even the blue badge, I appreciate that might be trickier but still try the angle that you're asking "just in case". 

It's not easy. I get it. I hope you find the right moment and the right words.

Good luck.

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Thanks for the idea about trying to get him to allow them to talk to me.

We have already had the issue that when I rang his GP, to get a dietitian recommendation turned into a repeat prescription, they wanted to know if he had signed anything to allow me to talk to his doctor on his behalf ... he hasn't so far. And yet I was ringing for him because he struggles to talk clearly on the phone as a result of treatment, so I had to broker an arrangement where the doctor could ring him, relay what I had said and get a positive sound of assent when he restated the things I had said!

Oh I so hear you.  I am feeling so confused and emotional today and just came on here to post and 'scream' how I feel.  My mum has Stage 4 breast cancer and the approach is so similar to your husband.  No-one wants to help prepare and discuss the future, yet I'll be expected to deal with what comes and pick up the pieces.  I'm really struggling today.  But your post as reminded me I am not alone in these feelings.  And it helps.  Thinking of you and ai know how difficult and lonely this journey is.

Hi, we had the worst possible news today and I think we have left it to late to discuss things, I want to scream and ran away, each hour is precious x

Sending you love and light and hugs, Clree. Stay strong.

Remember the helpline is here to support you too. The number is below.

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

I can relate to this. My whole family is in denial about my dad's situation, I'm always the practical one who has to pick up the pieces. My dad has terminal colon cancer, he's relatively stable now but unfortunately one day it will happen. The palliative nurse came last week for a discussion about plans, my dad gave me permission to speak on his behalf. I had to keep reassuring him that this is for "just in case" and I told him it's how the healthcare  system works, it's a process to have a plan in place, which is kinda true. I didn't  want to upset my dad too much, so I kept on repeating "it's just a plan, just in case". My mum is still angry at me for discussing this topic, especially about the DNR. I really do hope my dad will have my time.

Good luck to those who are going through a difficult time. Take care.