Hello Everyone, My husband is terminally ill with lung and brain cancer, with (professionals say) just weeks left. He's in a nursing home (NH), immobile and unable to speak or hold a conversation. When he was admitted to the NH they asked him about what he wanted, ie: DNR and burial or cremation. He said cremation. But they didn't ask him if he had any wishes for his remains, and now I feel it is too late, too difficult and upsetting (for him) for me to ask him. And how the heck do you ask? I've asked the NH if they might steer chat around to this in the hope of finding out if he does have any wishes. I am trying to work out for myself what I want, but I'm finding it difficult. Though I don't think I want his ashes at home, and I don't have a garden. "Ideas" come to mind, eg: we used to enjoy cruises so I'm thinking "at sea" but is it weird to scatter the ashes so they go everywhere? He won't be in one place. Then there's a place we used to visit who allow scattering, at least he would be in one place. I have lost both parents, both were cremated, one whose ashes are in a crematorium, the other scattered in a country place. I don't feel a need to visit either of these places, though of course I sincerely loved both my parents. I also find the thought of "ashes jewellery " strange, I don't think I want that. I'll love my husband forever whatever I do, but amongst everything going on right now it is confusing. Anyone have any thoughts please? Thanks, Woods.
HI Woods
oh that's a tricky one but also a personal choice to a degree, Could the NH staff find an opportune moment and ask?
My husband has said he wants cremated but also wants a headstone so I guess when the time comes (like you we are being told he has a few weeks) we'll have the cremation, buy a burial plot and bury the ashes. Like you I don't want them in the house and personally, I'm not in favour of "splitting" the person up. That freaks me out!
Over the years we've had friends and relatives scatter ashes in various places. The local crematorium to us has a garden of remembrance where they will scatter them for you. My mother-in-laws ashes were buried in her family plot but it is now full.
My mum commented just recently that she wasn't thinking straight when her mum passed. At the time the undertaker asked if she wanted the ashes buried in the plot where her husband was buried. My mum said no and is now regretting that choice to a degree.
So hard and awkward as it is, perhaps you need to find the words to ask the question.
My bigger dilemma is music....my husband has the most awful taste in music and as far as we can gather wants a humanist service. He has left a list of songs with our daughter and I'm scared to ask what's on it! We could quite easily be in the crematorium listening to Gangnam Style (And I'm not kidding!) I guess we'll figure it out at the time and I'll veto anything totally inappropriate.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
Oh the musical dilemmas they leave us to face! I feel a funeral should be a celebration of the person's life rather than mourning their passing so I guess if we're celebrating their lives in due course then we should just go with the flow and play their favourite tunes.
It's these details that keep me awake at 3am.
My other dilemma is the height of his friends and our son if they were to carry the coffin in - 3 are over 6' and 3 are about 5'7''. It literally doesn't balance! Although recently someone suggested that they carry him in lower (at arm's length) rather than on their shoulders. Time will tell on that one too!
Hold onto that sense of humour. It is worth its weight in gold for getting us through these dark days
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
