Am I Expecting Too Much

Hi Everyone!

I'm usually on here giving `Updates on Jay` on my usual thread but today I need some help and guidance for me. So, Jay as you may be aware developed sepsis at the beginning of the year. This coupled with the bowel cancer has been a `double whammy` for him. I am feeling very guilty and selfish because I feel he should be trying to do things for himself and I know he feels the things he wants to do may not always be possible. The last few days all he has wanted to do is take to his bed. He is no sooner up (which could be about mid-day and was never him) until he wants to go back to bed again. We have had sepsis information sent through to us in the post and on reading most of the after effects it does coincide to some of the symptoms he has i.e. feeling very tired all the time, not bothering about how the person looks, feeling emotional etc. Everyday just now seems to just morph into one just now and the weeks are rolling by.  Last night he started to talk about `the future` and how we need to be realistic about it. I can't even begin to think about it and just interested in what is happening now. He's not a great one to open up and tell you how he's feeling so I can never read his mind and he has been this way for more or less almost 40 years of our married life. He won't speak to anyone so no good in trying to get him counselling. It's as if he has just accepted his fate. I go out to the shops etc on my own and at one time it was always `I'll drive you along` or `I'll take you` it's as though I was a porcelain doll and he didn't want anything happening to me. Now it's as though he doesn't really care whether I go out or not and to me it's as though he's thinking `well, she'll be on her own eventually`. He's always been there for me and me for him. He says I'm his world and he doesn't know what he would do without me. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. I said to him when and if he does go maybe I won't be that far behind him because you hear of this about couples who are `life partners` when one goes the other may find it really hard to carry on.  But recently it just doesn't feel like that. He's working off the prognosis the oncologist gave him and I feel just now he is ticking down the months and taking it as gospel but then experts can never be sure either and some people outlive their prognosis. I am just hoping it is the sepsis that is still making him feel like this. There is no quick remedy for it and it just needs to take it's course like a cold or flu but a bit worse than that. He's been doing really well though in getting his mobility back. He has been managing up and downstairs and today he said he would try the stairs and maybe get outside at least to the car but there it is almost mid-day and he is sound asleep in bed still. He said himself he is turning day into night and night into day with all his irregular sleep patterns- another sepsis symptom. We had the Occupational Therapist out yesterday as I posted here and she brought out some bolster cushions for the sofa to help Jay to sit that bit higher so he can get up off the sofa more easily on his own. She has ordered a bedrail for him which apparently we were told we couldn't get and a shower seat and both these items are being delivered this Tuesday. The district nurse was out yesterday also and took blood samples and said his veins are good so that was all positive yesterday but last night he just started talking in a way I didn't want him to and this has set me back again because for a while we were getting on with things like they used to be before all the cancer diagnosis happened 2 years ago and it was like our `old selves` again with cheeky banter etc and now it all seems to have gone again and I don't know what to do. With our son and his partner losing their baby, he said that really knocked him for six and affected him really badly now he wonders if he will be around if and when they decide to have another if he'll get to meet him or her. So sorry for my ramble and hopefully I haven't tried and made this all about me and if I have I apologise. I just need some advice on what to do. Thanks for reading. 

Vicky x