Caring for the family as the youngest child

I'm 42 and don't feel ready for what life has thrown at me or my family, but unfortunately we don't get to choose the hand we're dealt.

Coming here and putting your thoughts into text is a great first step. There are lots of people here all going through the same thing as you, sometimes with positive outcomes, and sometimes not. You'll get support here if you need it, you can be signposted to other support available for you personally and your family, and you can always come here just to help process this whole experience and everything it throws at you.

All the best on your journey.

Hey Superglue...

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.  You should be super proud of yourself for managing to keep all that going.  And it is really positive that your mum's prognosis sounds good.

My stock advice is to make sure you are looking after yourself as well. 

I get the impression that you are someone who gets stuff done.  It is really tempting to think we can just carry on - but you have correctly identified that something is going to have to change before you break yourself.  What can you do now that will stop your life becoming overwhelming?  For instance...

• See if there is anything you can put down.  (Can someone else look after the other dogs for a bit?)
• Try to engage the rest of the family so that you don't feel like you are carrying everything.  
• Is there anyone else you can engage to help a bit?  My experience is that people want to help, but they don't know how to.  Have you any neighbours or close friends or family who can help to support you?  Does your mum have any close friends who can help to share the load?  (I built some really strong relationships with my wife's friends when she was ill so that they could come and sit with her for a bit and give me a little bit of time to myself.)
• Make sure that your work know what is going on for you right now - hopefully they will want to look after you a bit as well.
• What else?

Financies sound like they are worrying you.  It might be worth talking (or getting your dad to talk to) the Citizens Advice Bureau to see whether you are entitled to any more benefits if you are losing your mum's income.  You may be entitled to carers allowance.  

It might be worth a chat to the Macmillan Support line since they may be able to direct you to helpful resources (or places where you can get advice about finances) as well: 0808 808 00 00.

Hopefully others will have other suggestions.

Keep going.  One day at at time for now.  You'll get through this.

Big hug...

Pete

Hi Superglue,

Firstly, I’m so sorry you and your mum are going through this. 
My mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in 2021, when I was 29. I’m the youngest too, and we were quite isolated due to covid. That was hard enough and I’m so sorry that you have this pressure on you.
I’d like to second a lot of what Pete has said. Well done, you’re doing an amazing job. Sometimes being told that is conflicting - because it doesn’t feel like a choice, because you want the best for your mum, and even when you feel like you can’t manage everything anymore you can’t see how to put it down, because you love your mum. What I will say sounds cliche but it so true and so important - you have to look after yourself too. I got so angry when people would tell me that. But it’s true. And so much easier said than done. Pete’s advice on reaching out to those around you for support (neighbours, friends etc) is definitely a great idea. Getting someone else to do something doesn’t mean you’re helping your mum any less. You are making sure she gets what she needs, and you’re more able to be there as her daughter and friend if you’re not beyond exhausted. See if a friend or neighbour could take the dogs or one of them. You could see if any local animal charities know of anyone who may be able to foster them? Could a friend of your mum’s pop round once a week to run the hoover round or clean the bathroom or make lunch and sit with her?
Do call Macmillan. As well as being really kind, they can guide you to financial and practical help. 

Everyone’s case is different, but my mum was out of hospital after 5 days, and though delicate while she healed actually wasn’t in pain like I expected her to be. Remember that when the surgeons are telling you about the operation, they are making you aware of all the risks, but that doesn’t mean that’s how it will go for your mum. If you’ve been assigned a nurse at the hospital to have contact with do contact her if you/your mum have questions about the surgery/recovery etc. Macmillan can also help with advice on these. 

It’s an extra weight when you feel you’re taking on the responsibility not only of your mum’s care, but of the house and rest of the family. With less helpful family members, if you can have a really frank conversation (I’d suggest away from your mum, but you’ll know your family best), let them know how much needs to be taken care of and that you are going to need their help to cope. Ask if they have any ideas what they could help with, or if they’re totally clueless, give them tasks that you know they can do. IE - is one of them suprisingly good with a hoover - great, assign them that, be clear on when it needs to be done and that that will be a big help for your mum. Whatever the tasks may be (walking the dogs/making toast/getting the shopping in/making breakfast etc). While giving these tasks still means you’re taking on more than your share of the mental burden, it can at least help you practically. Try to completely hand over responsibility of their set task to them, so it’s one less thing to think about. You could also write a big list of everything needing doing regularly/one off tasks and put it on the fridge, ask them to look at it and do what they can proactively.

When you’re the natural doer/organiser/carer, it can be easy to feel we have to do everything, because we are quicker at knowing what needs doing and getting it done. Where possible (ie when it won’t cause you more trouble if it doesn’t get done/done right etc), do try to give others the chance to step up. 

Make sure you have people to rely on yourself - ideally someone/people that you can vent to if you need to without feeling guilty/selfish/judged. You obviously love your mum and she’s very lucky to have you. You’re still human, and sometimes it will all feel like too much, no matter how willing you are to do anything for her. Don’t keep it in, make sure you have a safe space to let that out (Call Macmillan if you need help finding this!)

Try not to worry about the chemotherapy and scanxiety now (again easier said than done I know!) - try to focus on the surgery and recovery for now. When you look  at it all at once it’s impossible to imagine how you’ll get through. But somehow you do. And there are actually still nice moments! If you and your mum can find time to laugh at a film together that will be so good for you both. 

I’m sorry for such a long message, i hope some of it is helpful. I just want you to know that you are not alone and you can do this. xx

My only advise is to take one day at at time just now.

withing your local council there will be an “Improving the Cancer Journey” service or ICJ and they work in conjunction with Macmillan.( Google this service & the number should appear) 

they can help do a benefits review for your household/ your mum, apply for the Macmillan grant (£350) , apply for a blue badge etc etc.

I wish your mum a speedy recovery.