Don't know what to say anymore

I sing in a band which I joined at the start of last year it’s my happy place and we performed on New Year’s Eve and my mum and step dad came as I think we all knew even before the news we received 3 weeks that it might be our last new year together. I had a gig on Saturday that my mum was always coming to and she was inviting her friends…..I actually said I wouldn’t be able to do the gig but my mum said but it’s your happy place and I wanted to reply how can I have a happy place when I feel like I’m living someone else’s life right now….

I did the gig with my mum watching I cracked on the first song but thankfully the other singer took over and then I just got on with it…..when you said the you can’t remember the last time you were happy I’m like I feel that exact way…I have am a single mum of a gorgeous 18 year old who is devastated with this news as he is a singer and my mum is his biggest fan - I have wonderful friends but god I feel so lonely - everytime I leave my mum I need to remember how to breath I’m like you in tears……I know that I’m not putting self care into any of this but I do congratulate myself when I get into bed each night that I got through the day!! As I actually have no clue how I did it

i only joined this group a few weeks ago to try and find ways to support and help my mum and step dad and son but I’ve actually realised that I can actually help myself too 

just reading this thread has helped to stop me feeling so alone xx

Hey I'm glad you have joined and sometimes it's not even about getting any helpful advice sometimes it just helps to say things u can't say to anyone else or just to feel your not alone. I say exactly what u said in my other posts you will see I write a lot about how I feel like I hold my breath around my mum the second I leave I take a big breath and the tears come down. You sound like a wonderful loving family and very musical which is very good in a time like this to keep doing something that is just for you. I love music always have however for me now music has to much emotion to it so I really struggling listening to it. I have two teenagers to who are very close to my mum it's hard on them seeing my son break down and cry the other week well it broke my heart into a million pieces I never want to see my children hurt like this. My mum is the bravest strongest person I know and it's only because of that I am able to be strong for her today I have started to tell my self lately that to feel such pain right now is a reflection of how well we were loved going up and that's got to be a positive in there some where. I to like u I get to Friday I'm like how the hell did I get here I have no idea and most of it is a blur like a brain fog all the time. I think making some time for self care is needed though while we push are own emotions to the back we need to take time to feel them and process then and be kind to our self's if we can't get up today and want to cry in bed I think we should let our selfs and not feel bad because the pain we carry around with us at the moment is to heavy so we need to support our self's in any little way we can xx

I’m really struggling today mum had visits from community care teams this week in preparation for what she might need etc…..I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck it’s taking everything to try and be upbeat for my mum but Darling34 I thought of you today when I was listening to a song on radio and I just started to cry the words just sliced through me and I couldn’t hold back

I’ve got a bloody gig tomorrow that I didn’t want to do about 2 hours away my mum overheard me saying I wasn’t doing it and she got really upset and said whilst I’m here and while you can please do the gig and then tell me all about it on Sunday!!! My heart is breaking and thankfully all songs are uptempo but I’ve just got no clue how I’m going to do it…..honestly no clue 

Just feeling so overwhelmed with it all and just want to curl up in a ball and hide 

x

Hi there I'm sorry for the late reply I did reply last night but it wouldn't let me send it. Hope your doing ok this morning and I'm glad your doing your gig today you need this something that is just for you to remind your self your still you in there but definitely only upbeat songs and you can go home and tell your mum all about it. 

And I hate those appointments they offered my mother a bed and I was like no no way I'm not ready to watch her in that bed yet I watched my dad in that bed for far to long. We are not there yet. But they are another appointment that almost makes you accept what is going on they are so hard. I am feeling very overwhelmed as well with the smallest things like normal day to day living cleaning is just feeling so overwhelming that I'm snapping at people then but I'm trying to to beat my self up about it even though others may not understand why I'm snapping I do and I know I am going through absolute hell and have a weight so heavy on my shoulders that there is no wonder I'm snapping so I'm being kind to my self about that.

I hope today goes well for you get Ur good acting face on and you will be surprised at how that little hour or two will help you just to not think of cancer for five minutes. Xxx

Hey how did your gig go did you manage to do it I hope so and i hope it helped your mind even for five minutes. Xx

Hello my lovely, it did not go that well…..the audience didn’t know they loved it and my band members aside from my friend who’s the other singer thought it was a good gig but Daxha and I knew it was not the same she’s going through some stuff too and we normally bounce off eachother and yes we sang all the notes in all the right order it was still not the same 

I’d had a conversation in the morning with my older sister - we had a horrible falling out last oct which my mum unfortunately got the back lash for…..supposedly taking my side anyway my sister and I reconciled of sorts a few days before we got the news…..so we are now talking and during our conversation she said about the funeral and the eulogy and that she’d had a vision of us doing a comedy act of sorts - we used to be known as a bit of a comedy duo amongst friends….it broke me as I said I don’t even think I could say anything and then it went on to more about that day!!! I’m not ready to think or talk about that….I’m surviving day to day with my mum still here I can’t add all of that unless my mum wants to talk about it 

however, it’s now all I can think about!! Thank you for checking in….how has your weekend been? 

Hey I'm glad it went ok I know it didn't go as you wanted but it sounds like it went the best it could considering and even if it took your mind off life for five minutes then it's done good. My mum to be fare to her has been really organised with her funeral she has planned it all she's been so brave I think about it all the time not that I want to I really don't but I can't help think of that day. Iv had a crap weekend and an even crapper Monday had to have district nurses out for pain meds iv spent all day phoning doctor nurses and palliative care on top of working I'm absolutely drained and I don't sleep well so I was awake at 4 this morning. I'm glad you have made amends with your sister times like these you need to and times like these I really do believe you find out who your true friends are. So it's good you have eachother I don't have a sister I have a brother we are close but it's not the same he can't stick seeing my mother like this so takes a step back where as I hate it I really do but I will do absolutely everything I can for my mother while I can. Hows your mum today? Xx 

I’m sorry your weekend sounds not at all what you needed especially today balancing everything…did you get the pain meds for your mum?

i asked my mum to see a kiniesiologist (probably spelt wrong) and she went to see her on Saturday I’m not sure what I believe or don’t believe but my friend swears by this lady to help my mum find some peace in what she’s going through 

well yesterday she had a bad ear and today she’s felt sick and been in bed all day….apparently if the healing or whatever it’s called is working you’ll feel worse before you feel better…..so we are jumping on that….we are going to Nice on Weds for a few days and I’ve felt so much pressure on the whole making memories thing that I’ve not been looking forward to it but I spoke to my friend yesterday and she said try and reframe it to ‘a pick me up for the family’ it’s me my mum my son and step dad going…..reframing helped me breath a little more 

my sister and have reconciled but I wouldn’t say we are back to where we were just a bit easier now to communicate about my mum….she’s not hands on at all and rarely comes to see my mum but calls every day….it baffles me that she does want to be there a lot more especially as she only works 2 days a week but she doesn’t get on with my step dad so that’s just another factor as to why she’s not as present as I’m trying to be whilst still working

I’m not the same teacher that I was at all at the moment….I’m snapping and have next to know patience for silly behaviour but I’ve always vowed not to be the teacher that allows outside factors to change the way they teach but this is just out of my control really……

Hi that sounds interesting Im not sure I'm heard of it though is it like a spiritual healing what do they do. I'm all for spiritual healing and meditation. I haven't sorted out my mother's medication yet it's been a right pain so the district nurses have been out and I'm getting gp and palliative out tomorrow it's been so stressful the NHS have been brilliant with me I cant complain at all but today palliative really let me down and peed me off that I just couldn't get hold of them but I will sort it tomorrow and she is comfortable tonight so that's ok. That's so nice that you are going out together I know it's hard tho when we use to go out it was always tarnished by the fact that the whole time.my brain would tell me this is the last time all the time.and upset me I struggle to make memories right now as these are not memories I want to keep. My mum now hasn't got out of bed for days and days she isn't eating either now so it's not looking likely that she will be going out again but u never know it's such a up and down thing isn't it. One day at a time as they say. I can imagine you and your sisters relationship won't be the same never is after that is it but you never know if any time to bring you closer it's now when u need eachother so maybe there is hope some where. I think right now u need to tell your self it's ok if I lose patience a bit it's ok I'm not the same because u are going through unimaginable pain right now that u can not express so it's going to come up in ways you don't want it to but you can't punish your self for your feelings right now xxx

Good Morning, 

i hope you manage to get through to palliative care today and that your mum continues to be comfortable

it must be hard for you with her not eating and not going out - as you say it feels like one day is not like the next well that’s my experience so far

when I call mum or Steve (my step dad) I always find I catch my breath after I say hi as I know by the pause if it’s a good or bad morning etc

just worried that the flight tomorrow morning is going to knock her out it’s only an hour but she’s not been out that much so her body is going to be like what the hell

can I ask a question that you may or may not be able to answer….

I seem to be struggling with people commenting about how strong I am….like I get angry because I’m not being strong I’m just trying to survive and I don’t want praise 

I know I sound like a cow saying that because people are just trying to be kind but it just irks me - has that happened to you?

anyway hope you have a day where people answer the phone and help you

x