Don't know what to say anymore

I am going through a similar thing. My mum is terminally ill with only months to live. Only a couple of months ago we used to be able to go out for the day and have Christmas to look forward to, parties and gatherings. She was still ill but could go out for a few hours. Now everything is consumed by illness and she's getting confused. I've not been working to be there for her but if I don't do anything I don't know what to talk to her about then I get overwhelmed with sadness. There's no hope. I can't start another job until the situation changes yet the only way I see it changing is if she dies and I don't want that so I'm stuck in this miserable place, worrying about money, worrying about not being there enough and worrying about my dad who has so much more sad things to think about.

Hi thank you for responding. I'm so sorry you to are going through this. I cut my hours right down in work to three mornings a week it's difficult to be honest trying to do it all but work is a good distraction and something that's for me. I know this won't be forever the same as u it's only months my mother has and it is going to get worse. You should make sure your taking care of your self though because you need to be strong for your mum and u cant do that if your not taking care of your self u need some time even if it's an hour to breath I hope you have a good support. 

Thank you darling34. It's a bit comforting knowing you're not the only one feeling these things. I've applied for other part time work which is more flexible so hopefully will keep me going and give me that distraction and something different to talk about. 

Maybe you can talk about memories. Funny stories and holidays and places you have been together. It's nice until you think there won't be any more trips but at least you can apriciate the time spent together. Food also can help, buying their favourite bakery or cooking etc. Can give you something else to talk about maybe? Because like you said there's more to her than cancer. 

• Hi, yes it definitely does give some comfort knowing we are not alone even though I wish none of us were ever here to begin with, and even tho like you have friends and family it can feel like your alone some times like nobody gets it. I would love my mother to eat her favourite things right now but she's hardly eating with pancreatic cancer people don't want to eat so she's lost 9 stone she's stick thin now it's awful to see. Maybe what would help you would be a volunteer position as well because u don't have the full commitment then should your mother need full time care further down the line. Work does have its added pressures the pressure to be there when some days I don't want to leave my bed and the pressure to put on a happy face it's hard but it does help as well so there are pros and cons my management have been amazing but I know that there will come a time I will need to be with my mum full time and that won't be to far away. 

Hi, I am in a similar situation, mum diagnosed In Nov, she's had no actual treatment and now she's in a hospice, it wasn't what we were led to believe would be the case but the cancer seems more aggressive than first though. I don't know what to say to her, yesterday she was very distressed. Some of my family seem in the dark (denial) about what's going on or just want to have hope, it's so hard! I also cut my hours at work as I support people post Stroke so have been completely emotionally drained. I feel I probably need to take time off but then don't know what to do with myself. We have had no support from services (mum never even got any paperwork on cancer) everything has been a battle it's exhausting! 

Sorry to hear of your experience, it is all so overwhelming 

Yes unfortunately this seems to be the case. Very poor communication between the doctors and what is happening.  We were given the hope of chemo and when we actually asked what Chemo did and if it would cure, prevent it spreading or how it would help they said it would prolong her life. When we asked how long they said only by 2 months! Since then however my mum has not been well enough to even try the chemo and has gone from a size 16 to a skeleton within months. It's sad to see. 

Sorry everyone is having a hard time. Such an awful disease. My mum is also getting very confused as her last operation has caused damaged to other organs making it difficult for her body to now absorb minerals and making her very confused. It's so hard to talk to someone who has no idea where they are, what is happening to them and talking about living in schools and other strange things. 

Nice to hear from others though. Just need tontry stay strong.

Hi I'm so sorry that you are going through this and the support u have has been shocking I have been lucky with the support team I can't complain. My mum is the same no treatment and has lost loads of weight. Sometimes people deal with it by being in denial some times I think I am to or I was I'm not any more it's a very hard thing to get your head around I hope your mum is getting all the support she needs in the hospice. I think some times I need time off as well coz I'm falling apart but the thought of sitting in the house crying all day is also scary so for now being busy is a better option for me just trying to keep my head above the water right now and almost switch my mind off the second I think the tears come down. It's a awful awful position to be in 

I’m reading this thread and thinking we are all in this crap club that no one wanted to join….we were given the news that the secondary breast cancer that went from my mums spine to her liver is too far gone and there is nothing more they can do - like has been said there was another cocktail of chemo offered but literally 20% chance of success to prolong life for a bit!! My mum is currently well so it’s so hard to get our heads round the number of months the oncologist gave - I’m a school teacher at a secondary school and literally can’t concentrate or focus on anything aside from being with my mum! I also seemed to get overly affected by the way other people some of my mums friends my sister are dealing with this news……I feel like it’s just me and my step dad that are trying somehow to boost my mums spirits but we all feel emotionally, physical, and mentally drained!!! I also feel for my mum so much I can’t imagine how she must feel knowing the end is near!! The constant words are ‘make memories’ and I know it’s true but like has been said above these are not the things I’m going to want to remember! Sorry I don’t feel like I’ve helped by adding this…..I have to work too and other teachers are saying I can’t believe you are in and my response is I have to work now as there will be a time I can’t!!! 

Hey this is almost word for word my life to only difference is I am a childcare worker not a teacher and I to am in work but I know there will come a time I won't be. My mum was well to before and it was hard to get my head around it because she was doing so good now it's in my face she really isn't to good. And I to spend so much time keeping my mother's spirits up and helping her mental health when in fact I'm drowning the second I leave her I'm in bits I'm crying none stop I can't enjoy anything anymore I can't remember the last time I can say I had a good time or a nice time. I'm wrecked physically and emotionally but I'm keeping going I don't know how but it's all for my mum and my time to break down will come but right now I can't. Work does keep my.mind busy but like u it's affected I'm not my self and my patience isn't the same when normally nothing bothers me I quite laid back now I don't have much patience but it's what I'm going through it's not me this version isn't who I am. It's a comfort to speak openly with people who understand what it's like it's not nice at all and your right it's a club that we don't want to be in but we have no choice and nobody get it's but people I don't even know it's almost like completely strangers on here have become my closest friends who know a side to me that not even people I have known for years know so thank you for sharing your journey it makes me feel a little less alone and I hope it does for you to xxx

Cella88, I completely understand.  I was a primary teacher but can't work full time, plan and mark and be there for my mum at the drop of a hat when the oncologist, social worker, nurses and all the other departments in hospital call. I’ve had to give it up and do supply and tutoring but its stressful not knowing what my days have in store but at least I dont feel guilty saying I can't work. It is frustrating when people give opinions and compare her to an old lady. Shes only in her 60s. 

I keep hoping we can make memories but as I get her birthday cards to sign for family members etc I can't help but think this may be the last card they get from her. Its horrible. Close family member birthdays and my birthday is coming up and it saddens me she'll not be well enough to come out for a meal with us. It feels awful celebrating anything when she is stuck in hospital. 

It is draining. I've started dreading going to the hospital as I've run out of things to say and not working much doesn't help. She's so confused now too it's like I've lost her already. It's so miserable and I feel so helpless. 

You start feeling bad stating how you feel as no one can do much to help but it is comforting knowing I'm not the only one having these thoughts as I keep just thinking I need to be stronger but actually can't so thank you for telling your story and I hope your mum doesn't deteriate as quickly as mine.