Caring for a dying loved one at home

Is it morally acceptable for medical staff to put pressure on families to take on the burden of care at home for a dying loved one whose inevitable decline is likely to be cruel, excruciatingly painful, difficult to manage (even for professionals) and intensely distressing to vulnerable family members?

I ask because this is the situation I find myself in. My husband of more than 30 years has stage 4 cancer metastasised to his lungs, liver, peritoneum, spleen, spine, pelvis and with multiple lesions in his brain. He has been bravely battling this horrible disease for four years now with two bouts of major surgery, a stoma, chemo- and radiotherapy, multiple periods of intense pain, changes in eyesight and brain function, and finally epileptic seizures. He has currently rallied almost miraculously after being very near to death three weeks ago. As soon as he had woken up in the local hospice (from a post-ictal state lasting more than a week following prolonged and violent seizures for 48 hours continuously), doctors and nurses were talking excitedly to him about going home. No one bothered to mention this to me. When the subject was finally broached, it was as though it was a done deal, despite the obvious cognitive and behavioural difficulties he was displaying, his complex medical needs, and the need for round-the-clock surveillance.

My two adult children have been very brave but were utterly traumatised by his recent collapse, which involved a total failure of the district nurse service, two ambulances, CPR (by me) on our living room floor before the arrival of the paramedics and a chaotic, frightening and thoroughly unsafe period in hospital A&E. The threat of this happening again is positively terrifying to them, as is the very real prospect to me of my husband dying in Resus at A&E should I cave in and accept him home.

The right place for my husband now is a nursing home. We have discussed his violent antipathy to dying in hospital many times over the past 4 years and realistically the only way I can ensure that doesn’t happen is by placing him in some kind of residential nursing care. Why am I therefore coming under such considerable and repeated pressure to take him home? Might it be because a home discharge can happen quite quickly, freeing up a hospice bed for someone else, whereas a nursing home placement can drag on for weeks while we wait for a place to become available at an establishment that meets our criteria?

My husband has received nothing less than exemplary care in the three weeks he has been in the hospice. I cannot fault the nursing and auxiliary staff in any way. It is such a shame that this good experience of wonderful caring attention has now been soured.