I’m struggling

Thank you, kids are 32 and 36 lol!!  But you are right, we are all brilliant for hanging in there.

Mine are in thier 30s too. Had a massive cry today but feel he listened to a bit. It is so hard. Harrowed a paddock though. So not all lost

Oh bless you, I cried the other day at yard to 2 friends who mistakenly asked me how I was lol!! It does help. I guess your OH is same as mine, in that he doesn’t realise how much it drags us down, also feel so helpless.  On lighter note got trip to London with eldest to see Bat Out of Hell so excited

Not just me then?? I sent  this post a couple of months ago. Not much has changed since then in fact I would go as far to say things have got slightly worse. He did get a start on a new chemo regime but only got the chance to complete one session this was just before Christmas. When they did blood tests for his next session they showed up dehydration and low kidney function so he needed to be hospitalised for that and the chemo which they discovered had done some damage to his kidneys and was once again stopped. He then had to have urinary catheter fitted because of the kidney problems. He was in hospital for 12 days right over the New Year holiday- our first new year `bells` apart in 39 years where he was given fluids and monitoring. He got home 2nd week in January and then around mid January he got up one morning and started shivering really violently and his blood pressure dropped rapidly and his temperature shot up. I phoned a cancer nurse and she said she would arrange an ambulance straight away. The paramedics came quite quick and one mentioned sepsis and they gave him fluids right away and he was blue lighted to A & E. His blood pressure refused to go up so he was monitored in resuss and he wasn't getting a urine output either so more fluids were given. He eventually got admitted to High Dependency and was there for 10 days and during that time had to get a nephrostomy procedure for his kidneys and now has permanent urine bags one either side of his back to collect urine. He got home again on February 3rd but was back in again on the 14th (of all days) and it was more or less the same thing he was readmitted for but in the ambulance on the way down the paramedic said there was something on his notes from last time about a `failed discharge` which obviously meant they let him go too soon last time. He didn't go to HD this time just to urology but they kept him in again for about a week. Sepsis has caused a setback with his mobility again and his sleep patterns are all out of sorts. He turns day into night and night into day just now. I sometimes wake up during the night and see the `glow` from his mobile phone or kindle reader because he can't sleep and then he doesn't get out of bed until around mid-day which was never him he was always a morning person up with the larks away out to work etc. Changed days. Even when he retired he was still up early his body clock found it hard to adjust I suppose. All this has happened in a space of 4 years I just wish we could go back in time. The problems all began in the thick of covid at the end of 2020 and we laughed that we escaped actually getting the virus, but boy did it get us back BIG TIME!! We did actually get the virus last year during his recovery from surgery but we saw it a small price to pay for him getting rid of his cancer. Little did we know though within 3 months our world would be turned upside down again and it was back with a vengeance. I'm so glad to know that it is not just me going through this and there are others going through this too and it's not just me. Take Care All.

Vicky xx

Oh my we are so similar with our OH's just glad I'm not imagining things and others do go through this too. I too have felt like times I could just walk out the door and just keep going and not come back. I get phone calls from an adviser here at MacMillan. Every so often she checks in to see how I am she phoned me today actually and said that I sounded really low again last time she phoned I was slightly more upbeat and she said she was looking forward to phoning me today and hoping my upbeat mood had continued. What difference a week made.  I've also had counselling from other sources as my mental health was really bad a few months ago.. Yes, you do have to find things to do for yourself but then again you feel guilty at going out without the OH especially if you were a couple that more or less went everywhere together. We used to always go out for a meal every other weekend but can't remember when we last did that. He says he would love to go out to dinner again but then his eating habits have changed so would be a total waste to actually go for a sit down dinner if he was only going to pick at it and leave most of it. I'm not in anyway condoning him for having cancer he didn't ask to get it, but as one of you have said here it's not an excuse just to give up and at least try to live a normal life and get involved in everyday things like helping with housework, shopping etc if able which like me some of you are saying your other halves are.  He still drives but not recently but when he was he wasn't even coming into the supermarket with me and that was something we did together as well. At the minute I do online grocery shopping no way could I manage to go out and do a big shop and bring it all home on my own. At this minute I just feel like his live in unpaid carer instead of his wife and last week when we had one of our frequent fall outs he told me just phone somewhere or go on the internet and get him put into a home but he's nowhere near ready for that yet and I know he said it in the heat of the moment. I just long for brighter and happier days ahead. 

We are all very brave. Wishing us all strength and fortitude. Its a bugger!!

It certainly is Speedy!  Now I know what they mean when they say cancer more or less robs you of everything. 

xx