I’m completely broken - how do we cope

Hi Matski, I have just joined this group; I've read only some of the heart rending news on this forum. I saw yours, and will share how, as a family, we are getting through my beautiful daughter-in-law's bowel cancer.

Firstly, the news, like a tornado, was a force in itself and tortuous. 

My son's children were 3 and 5. Everyone pours love in abundance, we so embrace this, and wherever practical help is offered, we take it. My daughter-in-law's operation removed so much from her physically and mentally. Along with family and friends I helped to take care of my grandchildren, while their mummy was in hospital, having her operation. This is where you come in, my grandchildren really wanted their daddy, they were terrified, as soon as my son returned from visits and work they stuck to him. He took over the following week, but there were many tears about going to school and nursery for the day, while she was recovering. This chapter hasn't closed, it's ongoing, but improving slowly and undoubtedly painfully. We're 2 years on now, the support provided my grandson with counselling and my daughter-in-law continues to do so. 

My own husband was diagnosed with oesophigal cancer, shortly after my daughter-in-law, he had surgery, and chemotherapy, however, last week we received the devastating news that it had spread and was terminal. I spoke to the vicar yesterday evening, she lives just across the road to us. I was at a strange crossroads, where I felt I needed to share. I am so glad I did because when I returned home, both my husband and myself were able to eat our dinners. 

Although this is an excruciating process and you feel like you're fighting to maintain control and sanity, others really do uplift your spirit. My oldest son asked me if I'd been to talk to the vicar at the weekend, when he stopped over. I hadn't then and didn't really know what 'ready' meant when I heard myself say it. I am glad he said it. 

Clearly, you are a very loving family, that's where strength and positivity thrive.  You are in my thoughts.

Dear Sushi,

I’m lost for words- what you and your family are going through.

im still trying to process everything but hearing that someone else knows what I’m going through is strangely comforting (that’s not quite the right word if you know what I mean).

I will have the support of my parents (in their 80s) and my wife’s family (scattered across the globe!). 

It feels like Im oversharing my emotions and predicament but this is how I’ve dealt with things in the past.

my thoughts and prayers are with you too

HI Matski

a warm welcome to the online community. So sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis and all that you are going through as a family. 

I can empathise here as I'm in a similar position- just further down the road a bit on this horrible journey.

My husband (then 50) was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour in Sept 2020. The diagnosis came as a bolt out of the blue. He's a total fitness freak, a marathon runner but he'd had a funny turn while out running a few weeks before and went behind my back to the dr about it. Our kids were 20 and 22 at the time so a good bit older than yours. 

In those first week surreal weeks I went through very emotion in the book and then some. I cried oceans of tears but I had promised my husband I would be there for him and I'd support him every inch of the way. He insisted that everything carry on as normal and was adamant that this had nothing to do with us and that it was all about him. Perhaps it was his way of coping. Carrying on with a normal day was nigh on impossible- still is - but we all do our best. 

There are no hard and fast rules for how you get through this but trust me, as a family, you will. You really don't have any other choice. Take it all one step at a time. Break things down into bitesize chunks on the really rough days - eg If I can get to lunchtime, I'll be ok; if I can get to dinnertime, I'll be ok. On the tough days, I've been known to go hour to hour. Don't bottle up those emotions. The strongest most resilient people on this journey let their emotions show. By letting them show, you're actually addressing them even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. Being frightened is natural. I was frightened then and am still scared now. They recently discovered a second brain tumour so we will find out more at the end of November but I'm not kidding myself on here- my husband is 11 months beyond the prediction of 12-15months that we were given- I know what we're facing, I just don't know when.

One thing I have learned over the past two years is that you are stronger than you think you are. Your kids may also surprise you with their resilience and strength. Mine have been superstars. Obviously you know them best, but my counsel would be to explain things to them in language that they will understand without scaring them. Kids pick up on snatches of conversation and can draw the wrong conclusion so personally I've always been as open and honest with mine as I can.

This community is a really safe and supportive space so please reach out here anytime. As you've already seen, there's always someone around to listen, someone who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer a virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. 

It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

A couple of final pieces of advice (although I hate giving advice as such) - write down all your questions/fears/concerns that you have and take those notes to the next appointment with your wife's team.  These initial appointments can feel so emotionally overwhelming and the notes can almost act like a script and help to ensure that you don't forget to ask something that important to you all.

Also, please take time to take care of yourself here. This is a tough gig and you need to make sure you are in the best position you can be to support your wife and family. Taking "me time" isn't selfish - it's essential to keep your own batteries charged so go for that walk, go to the gym, whatever is it that helps you recharge.

Ok I've waffled enough. I hope some of what I have said has helped.

Sending you all a huge virtual hug, love and light. Stay strong. You're coping so much better than you give yourself credit for (You'll just need to trust me on that) Remember to breathe!

love n hugs

Wee Me xx