My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 oesophageal cancer at the end of last month. When we found out, I booked off work and have been off to be his full time carer ever since. My dad is still young, I’m only 19 myself so it’s really difficult seeing such a drastic change in his activity levels as he’s always been a very active man. It’s been very hard to come to terms with, I think about it all the time but I always try to stay strong around my dad in hopes to keep him as happy and as positive as possible. Over the past couple of weeks, he has become weaker and weaker and needs me to do more for him - which of course - I’ll do anything I can. Lately he’s been a little more irritable than usual which is completely understandable with the situation he’s in, besides he told me mood swings are a side effect of it. He gets triggered off small things, takes things in the wrong way, makes comments on me that I know he doesn’t really mean, and often tells me I need to step up, but then he’ll later apologise and tell me he knows I’m doing my best. However, these mood swings have gotten worse and worse to the point where he screams “I’m dying” and then proceeds to tell me all the reasons why I’m going to regret everything I’m doing wrong but not to worry because he forgives me. I know I’m doing everything I can and I know it’s just the mood swings, but I often feel very helpless and ashamed, like I should be doing more but there is physically nothing more I can do. I hate myself because of it. Me and my dad have always been really close, it’s really hard knowing I’m losing him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know how I’m going to cope after he’s gone and I know I’m going to look back on this time with deep sadness and regret but I don’t know what to do
Hi Anonymous23
So sorry to read about your dad and that you are having to cope with this so early in your life. That "being strong" bit is so easy to write but rather more difficult to deliver. I am sure you will recognize lots in our guide to looking after someone with cancer and the important part I know I had to learn around looking after ourselves.
As you say "you know you are doing everything you can" - well we cannot ask anymore of someone so hopefully as time goes by you might be able to look back and think when your dad needed you that you really stepped up to the plate - and be proud of that.
<<hugs>>
Steve
