Anxious mother, helpless daughter - HELP!

Hey,

I'm kinda in the same boat.  My partner has end stage cancer.  We don't live together and I worry about him daily.  He's a stubborn man and thinks he can carry on as he is!!!!  But he's starting to struggle and it's hitting him mentally too.

I wish I would say something to help you.  If I could I'd do it myself!  For him, he needed to get through that stage and accept it first.  Maybe your mum needs to do that too?  

My mum has health issues (luckily not cancer) and I worry about her too.  But I also know that after living years on your own it's hard to accept help.  I have a 23 yr old daughter who lives 5 hours away from me and I've been living alone for 3 years.  I met my partner 18 months ago and I'm struggling to ask for and accept help myself.  It's years of not having anyone to ask!!!  So just be on the end of the phone for your mum.  Even just emails about daily rubbish help!  

But also, take time to learn to deal with this yourself.  As I keep telling myself.  We need to stay strong to help them.  It may feel odd thinking that way but it's the truth.  Cancer hits everyone.  Not just the person with it.  I've gone from planning our future together to planning funerals and hospice care.  It's cruel.

If you ever need to talk I'm going to try and make a point of coming on here.  I need to for myself.  So give me a shout.

Good luck to you both

Vicki

You both make such good points. If I had £1 for everyone on here who has said "I need to be strong" I would probably be heading for the millionaires club.

I we look at Looking after yourself as a carer we can really see how common this is. Really well done for spotting this and reaching out for help - that is often the really strong option.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. Mine was diagnosed with suspected endometrial cancer in March. She had a major op which left her with a permanent illestomy due to it spreading. So far she's had 3 rounds of chemo, been in hospital countless times due to surgical complications and had unfortunately lost all her hair due to the aggressive treatment. Initially she lived alone but has been living with my and my fiancé since her op. 

I think my only advice is to try not to suppress her emotions and reactions, even if it's upsetting for you because they need to feel free to express themselves and not to tame their emotions for you. It's a shit situation but ultimately its shittier for them and there will be days when they're pissed of with everything and us helping will piss them off as it's a reminder of things they can't do or eat. I've found an outlet by annoyingly blogging, support groups, and speaking to my fiance and friends. 

My mother is incredibly strong and its incredibly painful to see her going through this knowing I can't make it better and I need to be strong for her but I also need to look after my metal health otherwise I'll burn out. 

I'd also suggest visiting a Maggie centre near you, they're usually located in hospitals with cancer treatments. They're a god send for patients and anyone affected by cancer and they have various activities and help sessions throughout the week. They also have various advisors and counsellors and a wonderfully tranquil setting.

Big hugs xx