Don’t know who to talk to

Hi

I’m so sorry to read that both of your parents have been diagnosed with cancer. All the emotions you mentioned are totally normal when dealing, as a carer, with someone you love living with this terrible illness. So to have those feelings and worries for two people is without doubt a heavy load to bear.

I can’t really answer your question “does it get easier” I’m not sure if it does or if we just get better at it and develop managing and caring strategies. But what I can say is that this Macmillan community is always here and everyone on it has similar worries and concerns and doubts. Because of this it’s possible to find reassurance and hints and tips on dealing with the daily pressure of being a carer.

The Macmillan helpline is also available and I’ve used it several times and found that talking to someone who cares but is removed from my personal situation is very helpful. 
This online community has been my “go to place” when I need to just get things off my mind even for a short time. It’s also useful to join other groups on here for specific types of cancer, for example you could look at bladder cancer and breast cancer if you want to “talk” to people who are going through the same cancer. 

Lastly it’s important to try to take a little time out just for yourself….easy to say but very difficult to do. But even if you can just take five minutes to have a cup of coffee or tea in a quiet place (maybe the garden) I also like to listen to relaxing music (YouTube is great and has lots).

Best wishes

Grasan

Hi J86 and welcome to our club, hope you find it as rewarding as I do even if we wished nobody ever joined.

For me I came close to breaking and then I went in to my local Maggies - they helped me realise I could not go on as I was and that would not help me, or my wife, or anyone.

Later, when I was ready, I did their living with less stress course. The major difference it made to me was to realise i was worrying about things totally out of my control and then not appreciating what I had on a day by day basis.  Their conscious breathing training was also helpful in coping with the lovely surprises that life still likes booting our way. Transcendental meditation though did not really chime with me.

If we look at Emotional support for carers we see how really "normal" we are - but together as a team we can do this. Typing on here can be really positive - the delete key being really useful for "that did not quite come out right" but there are lots of other ways we can reach out to - - see the bottom of that page. We can also talk to our GP about how we feel, it is hard but after 6 years of dealing with my wife's cancer it can get easier and hopefully you too can find the help to be the best you can be.

<<hugs>>

Steve 

I feel a bit like you.  Overwhelmed and trying to keep everything together for my partner.  It would be nice to have someone to talk to who does not know me as although I have a lot of friends and a supportive family they do not have the knowledge and understanding of what I am going through.  My partner is in and out of hospital and the first treatment plan has not worked.  I miss him so much and am so lonely without him at home.  

I feel that way too. My husband and I have been on a rollercoaster for 18 months now. My stress about him and his next step fills my ability to cope to about 90%. So anything else (like my son taking his A-levels) on top, pushes me over capacity. I type here sometimes because it helps a bit. I'd love to meet some real people in this situation to talk in person. Covid rules mean I have never seen my husband's consultant let alone anyone else helping him deal with this. I just drive him to and from hospital car parks. I am very much on the outside - and keeping my worries in my head, so as not to burden him. I don't think anything about this is linear. There are moments of respite, maybe a good hour or a good day, that you have to be alert to when they happen.

I find it so odd that things differ wherever you are based in this country. In our area I have been able to accompany my husband to all his consultant appointments, all his GP appointments, a recent admission to the clinical diagnostic unit and it’s only his CT scans and treatment days that I didn’t attend. I’ve found it reassuring to be there for his appointments as he’s hopeless at remembering what is said to him and I’ve also been able to voice my concerns etc. I really don’t think I could have coped if I’d been excluded from all of this as I know he wouldn’t have remembered half of what he’d been told. His last appointment did not bring positive news so it was even more important that we were together to receive the news and ask questions. 
I’ve found this community of great help because of the “anonymity “ .

Grasan

Hey,  I know how you feel.  My partner has been told he has about 3 months left.  We don't live together, in fact we live in different counties so I don't know where to turn!  I almost feel like I have no right to ask for help because he's not my husband or live in partner!  We met 18 months ago and had planned to live together later this year but I'm disabled so I couldn't move into his place and we don't want to move his treatment to another health authority by him moving here!  So I'm in limbo!

My heart is breaking for the future we had planned and I'm seeing the man I love fade away.  But I don't know where or how to get help, that's why I came on here.  To try and get some help.

I've lost friends and family to cancer.  I wish I could say it gets easier.  I don't think it ever does.  Maybe we just learn how to live with it?

Sorry I couldn't be of any help.  Just wanted to let you know you're not alone!